The Same Coin
by MissAndrony
Summary: R breakup--Esmeraude's new plan was foolproof before Mamoru intervened. But could the results of that battle still destroy Mamoru and Usagi?
1. Part I

  
¡Hóla, minna-san! I'm really excited about this story, even if   
it is an R-season breakup fic (I can hear the groaning now). I decided   
to warn people ahead of time so I can also say that I swear on my life   
this is NOT an ordinary R-season fic! It has a twist, I swear (A twist,   
you say? Who cares?).  
  
Warning: may contain some disturbing scenes, I don't really know, I   
just write them. I rate it PG-13, 15 for the sensitive types (you know,   
Cancers and such). I can't really give it an R...although there are quite   
a few somewhat off-color jokes (nothing you wouldn't probably see on, say,   
Ally McBeal or, well, Buffy)  
  
Disclaimer #1: Do I really have to do this? Obviously, Sailormoon does   
not belong to me, or I would be rich and famous and considered to have talent.   
And if you still can't believe that, send me money so I can buy it from Naoko-  
sensei. Better yet, just send me money. You're donating it to a good   
cause (my pocketbook)! Totally tax-deductible! What's that? Of COURSE you   
can send me your parents' money! You didn't even have to ask!  
  
Disclaimer #2: Oh, groan. I hate these. Okay, yeah, I borrowed the   
concept from an episode of "Buffy the Vampire Slayer," (I'm not saying which   
one, lest I spoil the story) a show to which that I am hopelessly addicted.   
Stop laughing...The Chronicle called it "The Best Show You're Not Watching,"   
which would be true except...I *do* watch it. And no, no characters from   
"Buffy" show up here. Live action and anime? That'd be weird.  
  
But I did put my own spin on it. This isn't word-for-word or anything   
like that. I changed several things to fit the plot better.  
  
By the way..."Wanderers" is in the process of being revised and will   
hopefully be out soon. Yes, I know the last chapter came out seven months ago.   
Yes, I know lots of people have written me wondering when the next chapter will   
be out. Yes, I know I haven't responded. I'm really sorry! It's very   
encouraging, and I really appreciate it! But it's a really hard story to write...  
now that Usa-P can't help me, I'm doing it on my own. I apologize to everyone   
who has written me (by the way, where are people reading it? People keep saying   
they just read the story, and considering the fact it hasn't come out in months,   
I have to admit I'm curious. Ah, well...).  
  
So, I prepared a list of the top ten reasons why it's not done yet:  
  
10. It's Junior Year. My school tortures Juniors.  
9. My Chemistry teacher is sadistic. No, I'm not kidding. I wish I were.  
8. I was in the musical (if I hear the song "Wells Fargo Wagon" one more   
time I'm going to start gnawing into my wrists just to end the torture).  
7. It's Junior Year.  
6. Y&G.  
5. I'm revising the first three chapters for a bunch of really important   
reasons that will make the story better later on.  
4. It's Junior Year.  
3. "McTeague." I nearly gave up hope on literature forever.  
2. Usa-P doesn't have time either, so I'm continuing the story on my own.  
  
And the #1 reason why I haven't finish Chapter IV of "Wanderers" is:  
  
1. It's Junior Year (oh yeah, like you couldn't see THAT coming!).  
  
All right...I turned 17 last Sunday...yes, I KNOW that's April Fool's  
Day...now let's just hope I can get "Wanderers" out by my 18th birthday   
(kidding! I swear! I'm really trying here, people!).  
  
Hmm...maybe I should stop apologizing about my story and let the reader decide!   
Remember, Ai likes email very much! You should send her some (please forgive   
that, it's one of the voices in my head talking again):  
ai_02@yahoo.com  
  
*********  
  
"Love seldom haunts the breast where learning lies,  
And Venus sets ere Mercury can rise."  
--Alexander Pope  
  
*********  
  
Don't fear,  
Even though you're at a loss.  
I'm numb,  
A shell of empty thoughts.  
But you glow,  
You stretch and pull me out.  
Does that trouble you?  
Do I trouble you?  
  
Love me, hate me,  
Make me live again,  
I need you around...  
Heal me, hurt me,  
Make me live again,  
I want you around...  
  
So long,  
I never had experienced  
This bliss,  
So how could I resist?  
And I'm fine,  
A little light-headed.  
Does that worry you?  
Didn't mean to worry you...  
  
Love me, hate me,  
Make me live again,  
I need you around...  
Heal me, hurt me,  
Make me live again,  
I want you around...  
  
And now,  
Retreating from the light,  
I love it when we fight...  
It makes me think  
At least you still care.  
  
Give up,  
You're not going anywhere.  
Moonlight  
Illuminates your stare.  
And it's great,  
Captivating you.  
Does that trouble you?  
Do I trouble you?  
  
Love me, hate me,  
Make me live again,  
I need you around...  
Heal me, hurt me,  
Make me live again,  
I want you around...  
  
Make me live again...  
Make me live again...  
Make me live again.  
--"Live Again" by Better than Ezra  
(Ai: I love this song! It's so sad...)  
  
*********  
  
Instinct is the driving force of the world. Darwin's theory of natural   
selection, or "survival of the fittest," was the force that drove early hominids   
to stand on two legs as well as the one that makes the stock market so   
lucrative today.  
  
And an instinct that has driven the Earth for 4.6 billion years is not   
erased overnight--or even in the 8,000 years that had passed since the dawn of   
civilization, when man learned to adapt the blue planet to his needs, to take   
his fate into his own hands. On the cotnrary, It grew stronger as the human   
race struggled to impose order upon the world around it.  
  
Women, having suffered 7,000 years of oppression (and spent the next   
thousand in a post-apocalyptic stasis), were no exception. The most   
successful females throughout history had coldly examined their physical and   
mental assets, then used them in a rational, methodical fashion to gain an   
advantage in a male-dominated society.  
  
This was quite true of Esmeraude, who had learned early in life that men   
think with the faculties below their waist and she was in a prime position to   
benefit. Combined with some intelligence, if not any sort of real genius, a   
fierce drive, and a total lack of conscience, these 'assets' became a formidable   
weapon. It was how she had become the highest-ranked female advisor to   
Nemesis's royal court as well as a member of Prince Demando's specially   
selected Crystal Tokyo Invasion Council. And if spiteful rivals accused her   
of sleeping her way to the top, they also grudgingly admitted she was more than   
qualified for the job.   
  
Lately, however, those oh-so-useful attributes seemed to do her little   
good. With Rubeus's demise, she had hoped to quickly secure the former   
Crystal Tokyo and bring back a certain irritating pink-haired rabbit back to the   
Wiseman, at which point Demando would fall hopelessly in love with her and she   
would reign supreme as Queen of Crystal Tokyo. For Esmeraude, there was no   
higher aspiration.  
  
Unfortunately, the best laid plans of mice and men oft go astray. Her   
plan to infuse negative energy into susceptible points of the city had been   
repeatedly foiled by the Sailor Senshi and Tuxedo Kamen, who were also   
succeeding in hiding the royal brat during the few encounters they'd had. The   
Wiseman was growing impatient, which secretly unnerved her some. A few simple   
words and Demando would probably toss her back in the gutter.   
  
Demando. Another issue requiring expedient attentions. She was not used to   
having her advances repeatedly rejected. Esmeraude despised the cool disdain   
Demando treated her with, all while mooning like a lovesick puppy over a woman   
who was flat as a two-by-four and, in Esmeraude's humble opinion, had the   
intelligence of one. But who could explain love?  
  
So Esmeraude approached her problem with a careful, meticulous thought   
process that was getting her absolutely nowhere. She had already decided that   
she needed to get rid of Sailormoon; she was the one holding the other four   
senshi and Tuxedo Kamen together. The question, though, was how.  
  
And this was where she was hitting a wall. Sailormoon's weaknesses were   
laid out to see--her clumsiness, her cowardice, the fact she too possessed the   
intelligence of previously said two-by-four--and yet Esmeraude still couldn't   
figure out how to capitalize on them. A keen observer, Esmeraude had also   
noticed the fracturing between the senshi, Tuxedo Kamen and Sailormoon. Some   
kind of love affair gone wrong between the latter two, apparently, and as for   
the senshi--well, *she* sure as hell wouldn't have put up with that over-  
sensitive bimbo for a leader, either. She always secretly cheered for Mars   
whenever the fire senshi decided to rip into the Odango Atama, even if they   
*had* just trashed her latest droid. Yet with that, the senshi--even Tuxedo   
Kamen--would have defended the girl with their lives. And with this "shield"   
effectively in place, there was no way to eliminate the blonde irritation.  
  
What she ought to do was isolate the girl--her alter ego, perhaps? But   
this would require an investigation, which would require time, which Esmeraude   
certainly did not have. She knew damn well her number would soon be up and her   
chance for glory lost forever.  
  
So, today, when she had used her Black Poison Crystal earring to select   
her next target point, she had actually taken it a step further, finding three   
points of interest rather than her usual one. After examining the strategic   
advantages and relative isolation of each one, had selected the worst of the   
three, an animal sanctuary, and sent her Black Poison Crystal sculpture there.   
It made her look like business was as usual. In reality, she had known the   
outcome of the battle before it had even begun.  
  
The best was a little clearing in the heart of Ichinohashi Park, so   
secluded that the citizens of Tokyo who frequented the park rarely stumbled   
across it. It wasn't too far from the rose gardens, however, which she   
suspected drew the senshi, especially a pining Sailor who was still hurting from   
her recent problems with Tuxedo Kamen. She had a location, but what was the   
plan?  
  
Once again, her mind came back to her need to isolate Sailormoon,   
preferably non-transformed. With the inability to use her powers, surely   
Sailormoon would fall quickly and easily, and she knew without her the others   
would simply be a matter of time, time Demando would surely grant her. But to   
do this, she needed her alone...completely helpless...ordinary...weak and   
without strength...or hope...  
  
It hit her like a ton of bricks. Esmeraude's lips curled into a slow,   
malicious little smile. *This* was good. Absolutely brilliant, and yet so   
simple she couldn't understand how it could not have occurred to her sooner. At   
the same time, however, the execution was maddeningly complex--very much out of   
her realm. That, of course, was where her 'assets' came in.  
  
Humming a cheerful tune to herself, Esmeraude brushed her long, glimmering   
green hair, reapplied her deep crimson lips, and powdered her immaculate   
porcelain face. She then slipped into something a bit more comfortable, a lacy,   
strippy piece of fabric (it was not a garment in any way) bejeweled with the   
stones that bore her name. It was a classic, very nearly elegant, one of her   
old standbys--almost like a faithful friend. Then, she sauntered down the hall,   
assured of her appearance as Lust personified.  
  
It really was a dull, dreary place, Nemesis, she reflected grimly as she   
walked. The hall alone looked like it was part of the quintessential mad   
scientist's lair: dark, decorated in drab grays and black, illuminated only by   
the occasional torch. It was no wonder Demando had tried so hard to bring his   
people back to the Earth...  
  
Esmeraude smiled mischievously when she reached her destination. She   
leaned up against the door, pressing herself up against it in a very coquettish   
fashion, and knocked softly.   
  
"Anyone here?"  
  
"Esmeraude-chan? Is that you?"   
  
She knew that Saffir didn't even look up from his papers. Ever since the   
betrayal of the Akayashi sisters, he'd been more withdrawn than usual,   
preferring to surround himself in paperwork, the Black Poison Crystal's   
stability, and battle stratagem (Ai: NOT 'strategerie'!). Occasionally she   
heard him mutter something about Petz, one of Rubeus's former badly dressed   
canaries. In Esmeraude's opinion, the man needed to get laid. in her twisted   
mind, she was actually doing him a favor. It was really rather kind of her to   
think of others for once when making her plans. *Everyone* was benefiting in   
this situation!  
  
"Hai, it's me, Saffir-kun," she murmured, a coy smile playing on her lips.  
  
This time, Saffir looked up-and nearly choked on his breath. His eyes   
were wide as saucers; his jaw firmly planted on the ground.  
  
"You've been so quiet lately, Saffir-kun," she said smoothly, advancing,   
making sure the seductive curve of her hips was accented by her gait and her   
chest was as forward as possible. "You work too hard."  
  
Saffir tried to make his mouth work, but wasn't having any luck.   
Esmeraude took the opportunity to drop herself into his lap. She pressed   
himself against him, making sure he had an abject awareness of every curve. She   
could see the drool pooling at the corners of his mouth.  
  
"All work and no play makes Saffir a dull boy," she purred, trailing   
kisses down his cheek, aiming for his lips.   
  
He didn't answer.  
  
Esmeraude smiled again and bent over, nibbling very gently on his ear.   
"We could do something about that, you know," she whispered to him, her voice   
husky and seductive.  
  
She was suddenly aware of a very familiar hardness in a particular part   
of him.  
  
Oh yeah, this one was in the bag.  
  
*********  
  
Two very, very loud hours later (and one very, very consternated   
guard answering several complaints from several very, very angry neighbors),   
they were both thoroughly satisfied, with clothes thrown every which way and the   
top of Saffir's carefully organized desk now lying scattered all over the floor.  
  
"So, Esmeraude-chan, what do you want from me now?"  
  
She pouted, tilting her head down but still looking up at him and sticking   
out her lower lip. "Am I really that transparent?" she sulked, crossing her   
arms in front of her chest.  
  
"Hai." Saffir grinned. She would've made a pretty picture if he hadn't   
known her to be the biggest bitch in the star system. "Not, of course, that I   
mind. It's, ah...part of your natural charm?" Among other things, he thought   
wickedly.  
  
"Then why didn't you just tell me that two hours ago?" she demanded,   
snatching up the remnants of her 'outfit.'  
  
Saffir looked at her as if she had just grown a second head, and Esmeraude   
felt rather foolish for even inquiring. After all, she was Nemesis's finest   
seductress, and posing such naïve questions was beneath her. It was something   
*Sailormoon* would have done.  
  
Ah, well. It was a nice try. She would have to go back to the drawing   
board, which didn't thrill her, but at least she had a little fun and performed   
a good deed for once in her life. The blackened little block of ice once known   
as her heart almost began to thaw at the thought.  
  
"So, what is this all-important demand you have of me, Esmeraude-chan?"  
  
Esmeraude turned slowly around and did a double take. Saffir had the   
biggest smile she'd seen on him in weeks--on anyone in weeks on Nemesis, period.   
Then again, you rarely found a reason to smile on this hellhole.  
  
Her cold eyes lit up with an icy, almost sadistic fire. "Now you're   
talking..." If this was her last shot, she had to make absolutely certain it   
worked. And, on the infinitesimal chance it did fail, at least she would go out   
with a bang.  
  
*********  
  
The scent of roses made her eyes water, and her throat choked on the   
heavenly perfume.  
  
It was frigid that night, but Usagi didn't really notice. She was always   
chilled these days, even when surrounded by a cocoon of blankets, longing for   
warmth she could not have. So the cold didn't bother her. And neither did the   
roses, despite her tearing eyes and labored breathing. She rather liked having   
the excuse to cry, especially since her 'lost love' excuse was wearing very   
thin.  
  
Each time his name was brought up, Usagi would feel that horrible tearing   
sensation in her heart and her eyes would instantly water-even she was amazed   
with the incredible capacities of her tear ducts-and, among friends, she would   
usually give it up and bawl as loudly as she pleased. It was melodramatic but   
expected by now. And Rei would groan and roll her eyes, and Makoto and Minako   
would offer their condolences and comforts, and Ami would sit quietly by,   
sympathetic but oh-so-clueless in the realm of love, uncertain of how to   
proceed.  
  
Bawling was something her friends could understand. But away from prying   
eyes she gave way to a different sort of crying, the soft, broken sobs of a lost   
soul, one who had had her heart ripped out of her chest and unceremoniously   
stepped on by the person she loved more than anyone on the face of the Earth.   
The senshi wouldn't have known what to do about that.  
  
Frankly, she didn't know what to do either.  
  
She hadn't known it was possible to feel like this and still be alive,   
with one's heart so thoroughly shattered she could barely feel her own   
heartbeat. She didn't sleep, spent entire nights staring up at the ceiling,   
trying to piece memories of him together. His smoky scent. The sound of his   
voice, like a balm to her agitated nerves. The feel of being in his arms. When   
she did sleep, her dreams were of him...telling her to leave him in peace, that   
he loved her no longer.  
  
She didn't eat...all she could do these days was cry. Some days, the pain   
was so bad she wanted to cry aloud, even if she was in the middle of a class.   
Occasionally, she was so nauseated she threw up. Her strength was drained; she   
was always sluggish and feeble. In battle she was a mess, and with the new   
enemy it gave Mars fuel for the fire. Then Usagi went home, reassured by Mars   
of why he could have never possibly wanted her in the first place.  
  
Words blurred and lost meaning as she tried to process what the people   
around her said. It seemed only the senshi--maybe her mother and Luna--  
could pierce the thick fog of depression circling around her, but even then   
were helpless, unable to save her from herself. Unable to save her from him.  
  
Sometimes, she hated herself, because through all this she still loved   
him, pursued him with a passion far beyond her fourteen years, and with a few   
simple words she would have been back in arms, no questions asked, everything   
forgiven. Trying to live life without him was like trying to quit heroin cold   
turkey. The pain was so immense it could lead to nowhere but her demise.  
  
This isn't living, Usagi told herself again and again. This isn't what   
it means to be alive. Get over him, move on. Live again.  
  
Oh, if but she could! But each time she tried every cell in her body   
screamed in pain. Not loving him, it seemed, was a thing far more painful than   
this existence-like state, this living death.  
  
This, Usagi realized, was the part of love everyone forgot to mention--  
pure destruction. They forgot that love, just like anything else in this world,   
has a darker side. There was no one to guide her, and she had no choice but to   
stumble blindly in the dark, praying for a light she'd been thoroughly assured   
she would never see again.  
  
And it was no wonder her relationship with Chibiusa was so strained!   
Usagi didn't know it was possible to be so insanely jealous of a 9-year-old, but   
watching him scoop the little girl up and offer her anything she wanted left her   
seething. She wanted to be the one in his arms, like that short time before he   
realized he didn't care, never really had...  
  
Stop that, her mind cried. She couldn't take that. One fragile,   
torturous thread of hope, while feeble and very weak, was the only light at the   
end of the tunnel.  
  
She was nearing the end of her rope.  
  
So this weekend was her big chance, a chance to get a way from it all. To   
cry alone, to lick her wounds privately, to maybe even start to heal. And then,   
she could move on, and live again and--  
  
NO! Her heart screamed. Then again, maybe not heal. But to cope, and to   
exist, if not to live.   
  
Her parents had taken Shingo and Chibiusa to an amusement park that had   
opened about two hours away from Tokyo. Usagi had wanted to go very badly,   
would have given her eyeteeth to get away from Mamoru and the fact her   
life was crashing down around her for a few days, but with the new enemy,   
knew it would be unwise to risk it.  
  
Luckily, she had known she was due for a phone call about her English   
grade from Haruna-sensei for a while. That had been more than enough to get her   
in hot water. Her punishment: she had to stay home while the family enjoyed   
three days of excitement away from here.  
  
At least Chibiusa was safe.  
  
After this weekend, Usagi vowed, no more cowardice, no more crying.   
She'd be strong. And she'd show Mamoru that she wasn't a weak girl.   
  
Tonight, she wanted to revel in the sensation of her soul slowly being   
shred into a million pieces.  
  
Tonight, she wanted to feel like she was dying.  
  
*********  
  
"This is absolutely brilliant!" Saffir declared proudly as he put the   
final touches on the machine. "You've really outdone yourself this time,   
Esmeraude-chan."  
  
It wasn't a weapon; it was a work of art. The device looked like   
something in a museum one's hands itched to run trembling fingers across but   
had ropes and alarms and signs screaming 'DO NOT TOUCH' all around it--smooth   
crystal, glittering pulses of energy randomly ripping through, mixed in with   
some sort of pewter-colored alloy, and a easy, comfortable handling system.   
It was all Esmeraude could do not to take the machine and just start shooting   
with mad, unparalleled glee. Well, she *did* have a well-developed killer's   
instinct...  
  
But the look in Saffir's eye warned her not to touch, despite the fact   
they also professed a desire to do the exact same thing. Esmeraude finally   
managed to rip her blood-lusty eyes away, hands still aching to touch--or at   
very least revel in the pleasure of ripping someone apart.  
  
They had nicknamed their mechanical wonder 'The Splitter,' a very concise   
way of summing up its purpose. She was half in love with the damn thing, and   
thought it a pity she'd probably have to hand the beautiful machine off to a   
droid to avoid arousing suspicion in the Sailors. If she showed up, toting   
a very large, very powerful weapon, the senshi would sense a trap.   
Unfortunately, they weren't *that* stupid. Still...  
  
"I try," Esmeraude finally replied, beaming with almost motherly   
pride. Unable to restrain herself any longer, she gingerly fingered the   
cool metal barrel of the device. "But I don't deserve all of the credit.   
After all, Saffir-kun, you've done most of the dirty work."  
  
"Hai." Saffir smiled warmly as he fused two wires together. "Wiseman-  
sama will infuse this with the power of the Black Poison Crystal and use it to   
power the Splitter. It should be ready by tonight, barring unforeseen   
circumstances." Saffir's grin widened and his eyes darkened. "Shall we   
celebrate our upcoming victory over the Sailor Senshi early, Esmeraude-chan?"  
  
She giggled inanely. "Down, boy! Let's see if this magnificent hunk   
of crystal and metal works first."  
  
*********  
  
25% of Mamoru was aware of the dull ache in his chest that told him   
Usagi was crying again. The other 75% was engaged in a paper on the ethics   
of human cloning for medical purposes.  
  
In truth, Mamoru did his best to avoid thinking about Usagi. Thinking   
inevitably led to feeling. Feeling involved messy emotions such as anger,   
fear, guilt, and self-pity, less messy emotions like self-hatred and despair,   
and good old-fashioned loneliness and emptiness as the icing on the cake.   
  
During the day, at least, each time his mind veered into dangerous   
territory some protective instinct snapped him back like as if he were on a   
bungee cord. He handled the situation by ignoring it, hoping it would go   
away. Forget he was dying from the inside out and it was his own fault.  
  
Only late at night, usually post-dream and wrapped within the   
comforting darkness that protected him like a security blanket, could he not   
prevent cold desolation from ruling his heart and torture his psyche. At   
that time of night, there were no pretensions, nothing to protect him from the   
truth. His mind was free to lead him down whatever hellish road it wished,   
threating permanent damage to emotional stability and santiy. Sometimes he   
reveled in it, and he was the first to admit he deserved it.  
  
Nightmares were nothing new for Chiba Mamoru. The dreams of Selenity   
had been a sole bright spot in the petrifying dreamscape that awaited him   
each time he fell asleep. Scientists said dreams were reflections of the   
subconscious, spun from thoughts that had occupied the mind during the day,   
and feelings that the mind would not allow the heart to feel for the sake of   
sanity and self-preservation. In truth, he was afraid to venture a guess   
where his dreams really stemmed from. Perhaps there was something else   
holding him back, no, he was almost certain of it. There was one pesky   
little thought, like a mosquito, he could not banish from his mind: "You   
don't do this to someone--to yourself!--for a dream." Didn't know, didn't   
want to know what it was; he was afraid, he never liked introspection.   
Introspection meant conclusion. He couldn't remember ever liking the   
conclusion.  
  
But the dreams kept coming. And so he made a choice. And so he made   
the *right* choice. He may have hated himself for doing it, but given the   
opportunity to do everything over again, he would not have changed his   
decision. Her life was his life, any wound done to her was like one done to   
him. Any failing of his that hurt her would hurt him more than it possibly   
could her, true pain, beyond the realm of human conception, known only to its   
victims. This pain was for forever. And maybe it was selfish, or something   
worthy of martyrdom...he didn't know. All Mamoru knew was he could not survive   
the blow of losing her for good.   
  
So why did it still feel like he had it all wrong?  
  
*********  
  
"All right Hitokage," Esmeraude said to the fanged, somewhat serpentine   
youma that was surrounded by fog of darkness and had just sprung from the   
crystal wedge she had just planted in the ground, "you only get one chance to   
do this right. Saffir-kun said the Splitter would be too unstable if it was   
infused with any more negative energy. Remember: you MUST hit Sailormoon. If   
you don't, anything the Sailors do can compare to what I will do to you."   
Probably use the Splitter on her, Hitokage reflected darkly. "Do we have an   
understanding?"  
  
"You don't have to be mean about it, Esmeraude-sama." She wasn't a bad   
sort, for a droid. Hitokage actually had some semblance of a personality.   
Esmeraude had saved her especially for a crucial mission such as this one.   
The droid would do her best.  
  
Esmeraude smiled thinly and handed Hitokage the weapon. "Make sure you   
have a very clear shot. Oh, and that none of the senshi are too close. Any one   
of them would give their life for her, and while it would be all well and good   
to have one of the other Sailors out of the picture, that wouldn't really   
achieve the objective of destroying the team from its core. Got it?"  
  
"Hai."  
  
"Excellent. Now...run along like a good little youma and possess some   
people in the name of the Black Moon or whatever it is youma do."  
  
Hitokage turned slitted amber eyes on her master and raised an eyebrow.   
"Go on," Esmeraude ordered, making little shooing motions with her fan.   
Hitokage shrugged and "shooed", deciding to find some nice victims whose energy   
could feed her wedge of Black Poison Crystal.  
  
*********  
  
This time, when the uncomfortable tightening in his chest told him   
Usagi had transformed, Mamoru did not ignore it. Pulling out a rose, he   
transformed and immediately started to join the ensuing battle.  
  
Upon his arrival, he was greeted with the sight of Sailormoon tripping   
over herself while trying to dart glowing red projectiles that appeared to be   
fangs. Venus was attempting to wrap her love-me chain around the creature so   
the odango-haired senshi could get a good shot in. Jupiter was launching one of   
her Supreme Thunders, and Mercury was engrossed in the process of analyzing the   
creature for weaknesses. Mars was nowhere to be found.  
  
Tuxedo Kamen took one look at Sailormoon and thanked God in Heaven. The   
little blonde looked completely drained, and not up to one of Mars's lectures.  
  
Then, he turned to examine the enemy--an oddly beautiful, snake-like demon   
with glassy eyes, layers of metallic skin, and twisting snakes in a menagerie of   
colors for hair. It was holding what appeared to be some sort of futuristic   
firearm--and the weapon looked powerful, judging by the negative energy   
radiating from it. However, the youma was not using the weapon, but a set of   
glowing fangs, as an attack. He should have noticed there was something   
suspicious about that, but Tuxedo Kamen was busy surveying the situation (and   
suppressing his irritatingly violent reaction to Sailormoon's nearness) to   
pick up that oh-so-minor detail.  
  
Instead, he patiently waited for his moment to enter the battle. It came   
up soon enough: one of the fangs whizzed across Sailormoon's thigh, leaving a   
jagged gash. The little senshi cried out in pain and fell, clutching her leg.   
He felt his heart drop to the ground and had to grab onto a tree branch to keep   
himself from going to her. Hitokage curled her lips up (it could not be called   
a smile) and pointed another of her fangs, aiming for her heart. In reality,   
Hitokage was planning to hit a fang into Sailormoon's thigh so the senshi   
would be incapacitated when she used the machine, but was unconcerned with the   
senshi's perception of the situation.  
  
But her assault was intercepted by the crimson rose speeding across,   
effectively cutting her off. Hitokage looked up to see a lithe, muscular frame   
clad in a black tuxedo, cape, and kamen.  
  
Sailormoon felt her eyes tear as she looked up to the same form. "Tuxedo   
Kamen-sama!" she breathed, hope rising in her chest. Again and again her head   
warned her against the foolish emotion, but her heart kept its constant vigil.   
Her three guardian senshi clenched their fists in silent rage.  
  
"The rose garden is a place with great symbolism for all those in love.   
Lovers everywhere have been shamed tonight. How dare you disturb the quiet   
sanctity of this garden! I, Tuxedo Kamen, will not forgive you!"  
  
Esmeraude had counted on this interception and the corny, over-rehearsed   
speech. For this reason, she had picked a youma of comparative intelligence: in   
other words, Hitokage did not have the attention span of a hyperactive Chihuahua   
on crack. Regular youma usually flailed at Tuxedo Kamen, rather than finishing   
off the senshi in front of them, and thereby sealed their own fates. Hitokage,   
on the other hand, paid no heed to the masked man. She simply grinned,   
activated the machine in her hands, aimed, and pulled the trigger.  
  
Tuxedo Kamen was the only one not frozen in place by the utter shock in   
the fact a youma was actually bright enough to use the distraction of Tuxedo   
Kamen's rose to her advantage--something that, incidentally, never happened   
again, for after that all youma retained their usual stupidity--and knew he had   
to act fast. The idea of losing Usagi in spite of his heart-wrenching efforts   
to protect her nearly made him go to pieces. Without even thinking, he jumped   
down and pushed Usagi out of the way, only to be hit by the blast himself. He   
was dimly aware of a sound that was something like that of a vacuum ring in his   
ears; a pulse of negative energy ripped through him.  
  
"MAMO-CHAN!" Sailormoon's eyes were wide as saucers, brimming with tears.   
She melodramatically threw her arms around the masked man. Sailormoon cradled   
his head in her lap, leg forgotten in the midst of this newer, far greater pain.   
The senshi watched on, horrified.  
  
Mamoru looked up at her for a moment before everything went black.  
  
"NO!" Sailormoon was screaming at the top of her lungs--no small sound   
with her capacities. She looked up now, and her eyes locked on Hitokage, the   
promise of vengeance blazing within.  
  
Hitokage, for her part, was looking forward to her demise by Sailormoon.   
Esmeraude hadn't been kidding with her threats, after all. She simply stood there   
and patiently waited for the end to come.  
  
"Jupiter thunderclap zap!"  
  
"Shine aqua illusion!"  
  
"Venus crescent beam shower!"  
  
Okay, so she hadn't been looking forward to a pre-fry.  
  
Sailormoon had torn herself away from Mamoru and was glaring at Hitokage   
with a lethal glower in her eyes. For one moment, Sailormoon's pure heart   
ventured into the dangerous realm of hatred and revenge. In one smooth, eerily   
graceful motion, she activated the cutie moon rod and called forth her power.  
  
"MOON PRINCESS HALATION!"  
  
Destructive pink light ripped Hitokage into a thousand tiny pieces. Her   
last act was a whispered prayer of apology to Esmeraude. Then she faded away.  
  
Once the youma was destroyed, Sailormoon immediately de-morphed and went   
back to Mamoru's side. "Aisuru..." she whispered brokenly, "Mamo-chan, wake up,   
please."  
  
"He's still alive, Usagi-chan." Ami, now back to normal form, was right   
by Usagi, reassuring the girl.  
  
"Are you sure?" Usagi asked, not quite believing of the situation.  
  
"Hai, I'm sure."  
  
"How often is Ami-chan wrong, Usagi-chan?" Minako grinned. "Besides,   
whatever makes you stronger doesn't hurt you!"  
  
"Uh, Mina-chan, that makes absolutely no sense..."  
  
"Let's not bother with that right now, shall we? What hit him, Ami-chan?"   
Makoto bent over Mamoru, curious and concerned.  
  
"I don't know, actually. I did pick a strong influx of negative energy--  
but the same energy has scrambled the program and caused the system to crash.   
I'll have to go home and sort this out before I can give you a proper answer."  
  
Mamoru stirred suddenly, and Usagi jumped to attention, ready to aid him   
in any way possible. Makoto, seeing this and knowing her concern would probably   
be brushed off, said gently, "Let's give him some space, Usagi-chan."  
  
Usagi looked up at Makoto, nodded dumbly, and gently stood up, careful not   
to jerk Mamoru's head in the process. Mamoru stirred again, and this time his   
eyes opened partially. "Usagi?" he asked uncertainly.  
  
"Hai, it's me, Tuxedo Kamen-sama," she replied, trying not to choke on her   
words. "Are you all right?"  
  
He suddenly recovered in full, and, feeling better, stood up. "I'm quite   
all right, Sailormoon," he replied nonchalantly. He had seen the way her face   
had fallen when he'd called her Usagi, but he couldn't be concerned with that.   
It was his duty to protect her, after all. Not wanting to prolong the awkward   
moment, he dusted himself off, called out, "Good work tonight, Sailormoon," and   
took off for home.  
  
As soon as he left, she began to cry. "Why won't he talk to me?" she   
wailed to the sympathetic Mercury, Jupiter, and Venus, heart broken once again.  
  
Venus wrapped her arms around the smaller girl and gave her a tight hug.   
"Leave it be for tonight, Usagi-chan. Go home and get some sleep. You'll feel   
better in the morning." Venus and Jupiter both guided the sobbing Sailormoon   
away from the battle scene. Mercury followed close behind, fumbling with her   
computer and occasionally cussing the system out. The other senshi could barely   
contain their laughter as they listened.  
  
Nobody noticed who still lay on the ground.  
  
*********  
  
"@#$%!" Esmeraude was now partaking in her usual post-battle ritual of   
ripping out her chartreuse hair and cursing at the top of her lungs. "&%#@ YOU,   
HITOKAGE!"  
  
"Let me guess." Saffir was standing in the doorway, Esmeraude have the   
temper tantrum from Hell. "Hitokage screwed up."  
  
"Of course not, Saffir-kun! This is a $^#*ING CELEBRATION!" Esmeraude threw   
her fan at Saffir's head but was so angry she missed, making a dent in the stone wall   
behind him.  
  
Saffir grinned. "Do calm down, Esmeraude-chan. You need to look at this   
from a different angle."  
  
"WHAT DIFFERENT ANGLE!? THIS WAS MY LAST %$&@ING CHANCE??"  
  
Saffir's grin widened. "What do you think would happen to Sailormoon if   
her precious Tuxedo Kamen was eliminated?"  
  
The furiously flailing green-haired woman froze abruptly, having gone   
catatonic at this startling suggestion. Esmeraude slowly lowered her arms and   
recomposed herself. A slow smile crossed her face. "Of course," Esmeraude   
tossed her long hair behind her back and went to pick up her fan, "this was what   
I intended all along."  
  
"Whatever, Esmeraude-chan."  
  
"What?! I did, you know!"  
  
*********  
  
When Mamoru awakened, it was some time near dawn--extremely cold, with   
just a sliver of dawn's light to help him see through the murky blackness of the   
night. He came around rather slowly, finally managing to sit up and readjust   
his thoughts.  
  
He was still in the park. How was that possible? Had the senshi left him   
there after he was hit?  
  
An irrational anger gripped him, but he still had enough sense to suppress   
it. Something had happened, but he couldn't figure out what.  
  
Since sitting on the ground would do him little good, and the ground was   
rather cold, anyways, Mamoru promptly stood up, dusted himself off, and sat down   
at the closest bench. What had the monster hit him with? He sensed this one   
fact was the key to many of his questions, but no matter how hard he tried, he   
could not remember what had happened.  
  
In his frustration, he punched a dent in the wooden bench. Then, calming   
back down (and nursing his now-aching hand), he tried to think.  
  
The logical thing to do was to transform and go back to his apartment to   
sort things out. Mamoru reached into his pocket to grab a rose.  
  
The rose was there but nothing happened. He couldn't transform.  
  
A cry, and another dent appeared in the bench.  
  
Then, he recovered himself again, and tried to think about this logically.   
He could always walk home, of course, and then call the senshi or something.  
  
Mamoru searched his jacket and realized he didn't have his keys. Or, for   
that matter, his wallet.  
  
That poor bench.  
  
After a moment, Mamoru realized there was something in one of the inside   
pockets of his jacket. An odd bulge of sorts. Opening the pocket, he pulled   
out the contents and his jaw dropped as he pulled out a wad of bills.  
  
"Masaka," he murmured, shocked to the core. There was easily 15,000 yen   
here. Why in God's name was he carrying so much money? He rarely carried large   
amounts of cash, preferred to use plastic. Mamoru had an impeccable credit   
history. Every charge paid off within three months of it being made, and already   
he had a full-time job, apartment, and a car--something that wasn't *always* an   
advantage, considering the unbelievably large number of pre-approved credit   
cards and mail from creditors eager to lend him money that found their way into   
his mailbox. He could've easily saved a Giant Redwood with all the junk he got.  
  
So where had the cash come from?  
  
He was in no mood to ponder his unusual good fortune and decided that the   
best move was to try and go home. Stuffing the money back in his pockets, he   
began towards the long trek home.  
  
On the way, he did a lot of thinking. Had the senshi left him there as   
some sort of sadistic protest against his breakup with Usagi? At the thought of   
her, Mamoru's insides constricted until he could barely breathe. A black wave   
of guilt washed over him, and this time there was no protective bungee cord to   
snap him from such thoughts. There was no rationale as to why he should have   
ever left her. In fact, the only things his mind could come up with were why   
he'd made such a stupid mistake.  
  
Well, he'd talk to her this very morning, once he'd gotten home and   
straightened everything out. He would apologize, explain himself, and beg her   
forgiveness. At this thought, his heart lightened, and managed to trudge the   
rest of the way back home.  
  
*********  
  
"Chiba-san?! When did you leave the apartment?!"  
  
Mamoru was at a loss for words. What in the hell was the guard talking   
about? He was sure he hadn't been seen when he'd snuck out when he'd felt the   
call...  
  
The security guard eyed Mamoru suspiciously. "You came in here nearly six   
hours ago. When did you go back out?"  
  
"Uh...I needed some fresh air. So I went through the fire escape."  
  
"The fire escape?"  
  
"Um...yeah."  
  
"The fire escape."  
  
"I already said that!"  
  
"The fire escape, right?"  
  
"Oh, for the love of God, YES!"  
  
"Why don't I believe you, Chiba-san?"  
  
"I don't know!" Mamoru snapped at the guard in a tone very unlike him.  
  
The guard was taken aback by Mamoru's angry reprieve and examined him a   
little more carefully. "On second thought...you're not Chiba Mamoru, are you?"  
  
"OF COURSE I AM!" Mamoru exploded at the guard. "Who do you think you are?!"  
  
The guard shook his head. "I can't believe it. Let me see some ID."  
  
Oops.  
  
"Er...I left my wallet in my apartment?"  
  
"Then I am not allowed to let you in. Look kid, I'll let you go on your   
merry little way if you go right now. But after that, I'll book you for   
trespassing."  
  
Mamoru sighed and slumped his shoulders. "Fine. I'll go."  
  
"And don't you *dare* try the fire escape!" the guard yelled after him.  
  
Now Mamoru was truly confused. The sun was beginning to come up now, and   
Mamoru walked towards a small deli. He stared at his reflection on the window.  
  
Nothing had happened. Why did the security guard not recognize him?  
  
When the deli opened, he went inside, and, realizing he was starving,   
ordered a foot-long with everything on it and a large latte because caffeine is   
good. Definitely not his usual fare, and the deli owner stared at him blankly.  
  
Dumping more sugar into the latte, he watched his apartment doors   
carefully, his mind wandering back to Usagi. Thinking about her made him   
happier, and he had to suppress a violent urge to hightail it to her house at   
that moment. Mamoru wolfed down the sandwich without even noticing its   
disappearance, his mind consumed with thoughts of her...  
  
That is, until his apartment doors opened.  
  
And he walked out of them.  
  
Mamoru fainted right there and then.  
  
*********  
  
"Ami-chan?! What in God's name are you doing?"  
  
"Sorry, Mako-chan," Ami mumbled from the pile beautifully organized   
disarray of bolts, screws, chips, tools, and other technical equipment, "but   
this baka system is still giving me trouble. I added 2 and 2 and it gave me   
six."  
  
"I've never seen the computer in such bad condition." That was Luna.   
"What exactly happened, Ami-chan?"  
  
"I really don't know," she admitted sheepishly, "but the system was in   
very close proximity with the bolt aimed for Usagi, and I guess it couldn't   
handle such a strong influx of energy. Unfortunately, my expertise in computer   
programming doesn't go as far as what to do when metaphysical forces are   
involved."  
  
"Japanese, Ami-chan," Usagi urged, rolling her eyes.  
  
"I don't know how to get it back online, minna-chan. And we won't know   
what happened to Mamoru-san until I do."  
  
Usagi's head was hanging very low. "There was something weird about Mamo-  
chan last night."  
  
"Nothing unusual there," Makoto grinned. Luna swatted her ear.  
  
"What do you mean, Usagi-chan?" Ami asked, looking up from her system.  
  
"I don't know what it was. It was just...different."  
  
"What could the enemy have hit him with?" Makoto pondered aloud.  
  
Luna sighed. "Ami-chan, may I borrow your computer? Artemis and I can   
work on getting it back on line while the three of you are in class."  
  
"Hai." Ami handed the computer down, and Luna carefully picked it up with   
her mouth.  
  
"Hmpvh mm mguuf daa," she said with the system in her mouth. Waving a   
paw, she scuttled off.  
  
"Let's go to class, Usagi-chan," Makoto urged. "Don't worry about Mamoru-  
san." Leaning over to Ami, she muttered, "He certainly isn't worried about   
*her*," under her breath, her disgust overt.  
  
*********  
  
When he had regained his composure, Mamoru realized that the machine must   
have somehow done this to him, created some sort of clone of him. The idea   
boggled his mind, but he couldn't be bothered with the logistics at that moment.   
His first thought was of Usagi, that this Mamoru-that-really-wasn't-Mamoru might   
try to hurt her somehow.  
  
And hence, the decision to follow the clone, figure out its intentions.   
Even without his abilities as Tuxedo Kamen, he could still follow someone rather   
stealthily. Once or twice, the not-Mamoru would look back, but if he saw   
anything he did not act upon it.  
  
The real Mamoru, meanwhile, was unsure of what to expect. Where,   
precisely, was the not-Mamoru going?  
  
He got his answer as the clone stopped in front of a large complex   
littered with college students.  
  
Moto Azabu Technical University.  
  
Mamoru wanted to laugh aloud. The evil clone was going to *school* for   
him?! Was this some kind of joke?! If he were in the evil clone's position, he   
certainly wouldn't have gone to school. The idea of a clone was actually   
beginning to sound a little appealing...  
  
*********  
  
Bioethics class.  
  
His clone was right on time for the 7 AM class, was five minutes early, in   
fact. Not-Mamoru turned in his paper (the clone had finished his paper, too?!),   
and proceeded to answer nearly every question he was asked correctly, garnering   
praise from his professor. For the first time, Mamoru was able to observe the   
dagger-like looks of his classmates. Well, what did he expect for sucking up   
like that? A slap on the back?  
  
As for the not-Mamoru, he paid them no heed. He was more concerned with   
the fact his own affairs had to be in perfect order. Not-Mamoru was always   
attentive and focused. When others were sleeping, doodling, or daydreaming in   
the back, the clone was taking notes. Copious notes. His clone went through   
sixteen pages in a 2-hour period. Was that some sort of record? He didn't   
really know. But the clone didn't seem to be doing anything out of the   
ordinary, at least not for the real Mamoru. Hell, he was even sitting in   
the second row, as if that didn't have 'smack' written all over it.  
  
Played by all the rules, but won the game: Mamoru recalled he had a 99   
average in the class. But had he really won?  
  
Mamoru sighed. Paper in on time, in the second row, copious notes, every   
question right.   
  
His clone was a brown-noser.   
  
This time, Mamoru did laugh aloud. This was getting ridiculous!  
  
Then again...it was not extraordinary in any way. In fact, the clone was   
doing everything he usually did in his position.  
  
Yet it was not that in of itself that bothered him. It was his nature; he   
could not have changed his meticulous habits if he'd wanted to. It was the fact   
he was seemed so...solitary. He had long since acknowledged it was lonely at   
the top, yet at the same time this had suited him. Now it seemed...confining.  
  
And when had his life become so mundane? Mamoru had always looked to the   
future, when he could acquire his doctorate and make waves in the world of   
bioengineering. Already his professors had praised many of his theories, and   
he'd cherished that, little talismans he'd kept close to his heart in moments of   
need.  
  
Achievement. Making his mark in the world. He wanted people to respect   
him. It had been his goal all his life, his sustenance, the one thing he had   
ever put full faith in. Always be the best, the smartest, the most respected.   
After all, whoever had the most toys ruled the sandbox.  
  
Why did sound so empty now?  
  
*********  
  
Organic Chemistry.  
  
He had a lab today, followed by a presentation to the class. Something   
with microspheres. Mamoru didn't actually care at this point. All this   
introspection was beginning to depress him. No wonder he usually avoided it at   
all costs.  
  
His clone was in a group with one other guy and two girls, one blonde, one   
redhead. The girls, he recalled vaguely, were intelligent and resourceful   
separately, but together turned giggly and didn't have the brainpower of a   
Barbie doll between them. It was rather irksome.  
  
The guy was capable enough, but wanted the blonde in the worst way and was   
openly hostile towards Mamoru. Made sense, considering the blonde with in love   
with Mamoru and wouldn't even give the other guy the time of day. Mamoru hadn't   
even noticed her strange behavior around him until he had gotten to know Usagi,   
at least as much as you knew anyone when you were her self-proclaimed tormentor.   
It was incredible how much she had opened his eyes, allowed him to finally   
comprehend and consider the thoughts and feelings of those around him.  
  
Usagi had changed his whole perspective. Mamoru remembered the first time   
he'd seen the little odango--the way his heart had started pounding at the sight   
of her wrinkled nose and red-faced wrath. For the first time in his life,   
another person had appeared on his life spectrum and turned everything upside-  
down.  
  
Why *had* he worked so hard to deny his feelings for her? Tormented her   
the way he had? Ignored her as Tuxedo Kamen?  
  
Mamoru's attention snapped back at the sound of applause. The first   
presentation had finished. His group was second.  
  
And his clone clearly knew what he was talking about. The presentation   
was so thorough and well executed the place was silent and the professor   
practically in tears. Well, the professor was psychotic anyways. Anyone who   
considered bacteria good company was.  
  
After that, he sat down. Most of the students congratulated he guy and   
two girls for their outstanding presentation. Pats on the back, high-fives,   
hugs, the usual.  
  
No one said a word to Mamoru.  
  
He'd done most of the research, too. And proposed the theory they'd used.   
And put most of the presentation together. And done most of the speaking.  
  
Not a word.  
  
But, thinking about it, it wasn't as if he really had any friends in the   
class. Or, mentally reviewing his schedule, in any of his classes.  
  
It occurred to Mamoru what he was doing. What an odd opportunity he had--  
to watch his own life set out before him like a play, see it as a member of the   
audience rather than writer, director, and star.  
  
He really didn't like his play at all.  
  
********  
  
"Chiba-san!"  
  
It was the blonde from his lab group. Only she wasn't calling to him, but   
to the not-Mamoru.  
  
"Kotono-san. Is something the matter?" Not-Mamoru's voice was eerily   
cool and controlled, but it wasn't unfamiliar.  
  
Kotono looked down, blushing rather hard. "Well, I, uh...wanted to say   
good job today. You really bowled them over."  
  
"Arigato, Kotono-san." Not-Mamoru turned to leave.  
  
"Matte!" Her voice was harsh and cracking a little, strained from   
anxiety.   
  
Not-Mamoru spun back around. "What, Kotono-san?"  
  
"Well, I was thinking...there's this great club that just opened near my   
place and they're having a big kick-off celebration with a bunch really great   
bands playing tomorrow night. I got tickets early; they sold in less than a   
day. But now Miyuki-chan can't go and I was wondering...if maybe...if you're   
not busy..." She was looking down at the ground the entire time, her face   
bright red.  
  
"Unfortunately, I am."  
  
The hell he was. His Friday night was free and clear, like usual.  
  
"Oh, well, maybe another time?"  
  
"Perhaps."  
  
"I mean..." This was obviously difficult for Kotono; she was bright red   
and fidgeting like a toddler at a wedding. "I really enjoyed working with you,   
Chiba-san. And I thought...you know...maybe...you and I..."  
  
Oh, *that's* what she was doing.  
  
"Kotono-san, you're a nice girl, but I am involved with someone else right   
now."  
  
Uh...was his clone a little behind or something? He'd broken it off with   
Usagi weeks ago. At the thought, his heart twisted rather painfully.  
  
Kotono's eyes widened. "I heard..."  
  
"You heard incorrectly."  
  
"Demo, Chiba-san..." Kotono clamped her arm onto Mamoru's and looked   
beseechingly into his eyes, "you wouldn't possibly go out with a little middle-  
schooler..."  
  
If only the bench had been there right now. Mamoru's fists clenched and   
he wondered if his angle was good enough to let a rose fly straight into the   
girl's heart. He didn't care if the Prime Minister himself had said it. NOBODY   
insulted Usagi like that.  
  
But the not-Mamoru, who had proved himself all day to be a veritable   
standard of logic, ration, sensibility and practicality, lived up to his   
reputation. "Who I date is my own business, Kotono-san. Frankly, if you   
believe you are more mature than the 'little middle-schooler,' you need to   
seriously rethink your position. Now, if you would kindly remove your arm from   
mine, I would appreciate it. You're cutting off my circulation."  
  
Ouch. That was cruel.   
  
But it wasn't out of character for his clone.  
  
Or for himself.  
  
When had he become so cold? No wonder he was so isolated. Treating   
people like that did not win friends.   
  
The not-Mamoru didn't even blink.  
  
Kotono reluctantly let go of not-Mamoru and turned her face down. Mamoru   
didn't miss the tears dripping onto the grass.   
  
"I HATE YOU!"  
  
She broke into a run and left, clearly not wanting to be in his presence   
longer. His clone turned and walked away.  
  
This not-Mamoru was harsh and colder than ice, cynical and bitter. It   
didn't seem human. Surely he himself wasn't like that...  
  
But he was. It was all too clear to him now.  
  
And Mamoru couldn't stop his own tears from dripping down.   
  
*********  
  
Work.  
  
His job was at as an assistant/intern at a local laboratory, and it paid   
surprisingly well. It was the perfect place to gather experience and   
connections while paying the bills. How logical. How utterly sagacious. How,   
wonderfully, inanely, incredibly commonsensical!  
  
Mamoru was beginning to make himself sick.  
  
Now at work, he observed his clone and those around him intensely,   
searching for any sign of warmth, compassion from another, camaraderie,   
anything. After about an hour, he realized it was hopeless.  
  
Finally he left the clone be, not actually caring what not-Mamoru did.   
Walking down the street, he felt his isolation from the rest of the human race   
acutely; emotions that he thought he'd had safely locked away, never to bother   
him again, stirred within.  
  
He had learned this way of dealing with his emotions at a very young age.   
The loneliness and hurt of his childhood were never going to heal in the   
mechanical system of the orphanage. There had never been anyone who cared   
enough to help him heal. He'd pushed the feelings away, buried them somewhere   
he believed they'd never be found again. But the more he'd isolated himself,   
the less was his chance of anyone wanting to help, and the greater the pain to   
bury.  
  
And suddenly, in one triumphant burst, he just came apart. Like Pandora's   
Box opening, years of loneliness and anguish flooded him in a split-second   
blast. Every emotion, everything he thought was gone, sealed away for eternity  
...flowing through every vein of his body at an exorbitant rate. The pain and   
loneliness of the last 12 years hit him over the head like a sledgehammer.   
Mamoru had to grip the wall just to keep standing.  
  
He was suddenly aware of the fact people were staring at him. Looking   
down at his hand, he saw why. He was clutching the wall so hard his knuckles were   
white.  
  
Oh God, was his life really so empty? Mamoru magically understood why making his   
mark in the world had been so important before. He'd never had any warmth or   
love in his life, and therefore mistaken respect for love. It didn't matter how   
well his grief had been buried, it had still seeped out, colored his life and   
left him feeling worthless, no matter how many awards he won, how many lives he   
could save, no matter what he could give to mankind.  
  
Just days ago, if anyone had asked him what he wanted most in life, he   
would've told them it was to become the best-respected name in the scientific   
world.  
  
Today he wanted to be loved.  
  
*********  
  
By 3 o'clock, he was so miserable he could barely stand it. He needed to   
see someone, talk to someone, anything to assuage the pain that was now   
consuming him. He was dying from the inside out, freezing despite the warm   
weather outside, longing for something he couldn't have. His eyes had ceased   
seeing properly, were barely able to make out the sign to the Crown Arcade   
Center he now stumbled into.  
  
Motoki looked up even before the bell rang.  
  
"Mamoru-kun?"  
  
Mamoru nodded slightly and sat down at a bench. "The usual coffee."  
  
Motoki prepared the coffee as fast as he could. Mamoru really looked like   
he needed it. He handed the cup to his friend. Mamoru accepted it, but did not   
drink. His head hung low, staring straight through the counter. Motoki's sharp   
eyes noted Mamoru was shaking slightly, but it was warm inside the Arcade. What   
had happened? He had never seen Mamoru like this before, and he was becoming   
alarmed.  
  
"Could you tell me what happened, Mamoru-kun?"  
  
Mamoru looked up, directly into Motoki's eyes. Motoki was even more   
frightened. His eyes reflected the depth and intensity of his inner torrent of   
emotion, drawing the blond man in. It was rather disconcerting--Motoki   
anxiously scooted a modicum away, unnerved by the terrible gaze.  
  
Mamoru picked the minor gesture up, and the look of pure misery impossibly   
increased. His head sank back down for a moment before he stood up again, left   
some yen to pay for the coffee, and walked out without saying another word.   
Motoki felt awful about it, but there was nothing he could do.  
  
Well, nothing *he* could do. But he knew someone who probably could.  
  
*********  
  
Usagi did not skip into the Arcade as she usually did, or trip over a   
stool and cheerfully jump back up with an assurance she was all right, or bounce   
to the counter to flirt with Motoki like she usually did. Instead, she silently   
walked to the Sailor V game and popped in a few coins, playing with more   
determination than usual in an effort to forget about last night's attack.  
  
"You okay, Usagi-chan?"  
  
Usagi, absorbed in the game, mumbled an disjointed response. Motoki   
intuitively took that as a 'sort of'.  
  
"I'd like to talk to you, if you don't mind."  
  
Beep.  
  
"It's very important."  
  
Beep.  
  
"It's about Mamoru-san."  
  
Again, his only answer was the beeping sounds of the SailorV game, and   
Motoki was getting angry. In one swift motion, he reached behind the game and   
pulled the plug.  
  
Usagi turned around, hands clenched and face red in rage. "ONII-SAN!!!"   
Yeah, that had gotten her attention, all right. "THAT WAS MY BEST SCORE   
EVER!!!"  
  
"Oh good, you're done with your game! I'm so glad. Now come with me,   
I'll treat you to a milkshake and then I can talk to you."  
  
*********  
  
"He was *shaking*?"  
  
"Only a little, but it...it scared me. I don't think I've ever seen him   
like that, Usagi-chan. I could barely stand to look in his eyes."  
  
Usagi absentmindedly stirred her milkshake as she thought. "He's always   
been reluctant to show his emotions, even when he and I were--" Usagi choked   
back a small sob. Then, regaining her composure, she continued. "Something   
must be really wrong, Motoki-kun." As her mind wandered to memory of last   
night's attack, her anxiety increased. Could the bolt that had hit him have   
caused some emotional reaction in him?  
  
"I know. That's why I want you to talk to him."  
  
"Where is he now?"  
  
"I don't know."  
  
"What do you mean, you don't know?!" Usagi's voice rose anxiously. "Where   
did he go?"  
  
"I was having a really difficult time looking him directly in eye. He   
noticed that, and I think it hurt him. So he left."  
  
Hurt because someone wouldn't look him in the eye? Something was definitely   
wrong.  
  
Unfortunately, Usagi didn't really get any more time to think. Mamoru   
presently entered. Her heart started beating rapidly, and she felt the same odd   
energy she always felt when she was near--like one of his roses had opened   
inside her chest. Motoki looked a little nervous, remembering what had happened   
earlier.  
  
But to both of their surprise, Mamoru was his usual cool, cordial self,   
ordering a coffee and chatting politely with Motoki. Both exchanged confused   
glances.  
  
"Uh, Mamo--Mamoru-san, it's good to see you again."  
  
"It's good to see you, too, Usagi-chan." Mamoru kept his voice steady,   
knowing it was his duty to protect Usagi from him. She looked so small and   
sweet, it was unnerving him internally, but he kept his cool. "I trust that you   
are doing well."  
  
Usagi-chan. That hurt. "Quite well, Mamoru-san. How about you?"  
  
"Fine, thank you."  
  
"Really?"  
  
Mamoru gave her an odd look. "Really."  
  
"Well, you know," Usagi looked down and twiddled her thumbs nervously,   
"I'm always here if you need me."  
  
"Thank you, Usagi-chan, for your sentiment." And he promptly ignored her,   
went back to mulling over his coffee.  
  
Usagi tapped his shoulder again. "Are you sure you're all right, Mamoru-  
san?"  
  
Hating himself the entire time for it, Mamoru said sharply to her, "You no   
longer have any cause for concern over my welfare, Usagi."  
  
Usagi looked as if she'd just been struck, lower lip trembling as she   
blinked back tears. At that moment, Mamoru wanted more than anything to take   
back his terrible statement, but the reality stood. He had to protect Usagi.   
Furthermore, if he could say such cruel things to her, then he never really   
deserved her in the first place.  
  
*SMACK!* Mamoru's face stung sharply. Usagi had made certain that her   
nails had dug as she had slapped him, and fine red lines of blood remained.  
  
"I hate you," she hissed, her voice like acid.  
  
"Good," he replied, no matter how much his heart twisted within.  
  
"You know, at the rate you're going, Chiba Mamoru, you're going to die a   
very lonely man," Usagi said acerbically. Then, she spun in her heels and   
walked out, ready to blow.  
  
*********  
  
"THE NERVE OF THAT MAN!" Had Motoki deliberately set her up for failure?!   
No, that wasn't like him, he knew how much Mamoru's mysterious break-off had   
hurt her. He wouldn't be that cruel.  
  
So why had he done it? If he'd been so messed up earlier in the day why   
had he completely blown her off now?  
  
Usagi kept walking, fists clenched and a dangerous glint in her eye. Time   
to duck and cover.  
  
"Excuse me, Usagi-kouhai?"  
  
"NANI?!"  
  
This was the VERY ill-timed moment Furukawa Shinji, a handsome, well-liked   
ninth-grader from Usagi's school with a major crush on the little blonde rabbit,   
had decided to pounce.  
  
"Well...I was just wondering..."  
  
"Spit it out, Shinji-senpai!"  
  
"Ifyou'dliketogetsomeicecreamwithmetodayatthepark."  
  
Usagi stopped and her fists unclenched. "Ice cream?"  
  
"Uh...yeah...but if this is a bad time..."  
  
"No no! I'd love to get some ice cream with you!" Usagi grabbed Shinji's   
arm, flinging him to her side. He gulped, a small rock forming in his stomach to   
complement the butterflies.  
  
*********  
  
"Wow, you're way nicer than my ex-boyfriend..."  
  
"Uh, why..."  
  
"I mean, yeah, he was a college student and all..."  
  
"Isn't that..."  
  
"And really handsome. I mean, there were always girls drooling over him.   
He has these eyes a girl could get lost in, all stormy and wonderful and all   
that. And his body! Oh God, his body...Mamo-chan's REALLY cut...all my friends   
were jealous..."  
  
"Are you..."  
  
"And intelligent. He's ranked first in Moto Azabu's pre-med class, and he   
speaks English fluently. Plus, he got a full scholarship to college and paid   
for his own apartment and car, and let me tell you, it's a nice car..."  
  
"Is that..."  
  
"You know, I'm not really all that bright in the first place. Otherwise   
I might've realized we have nothing in common. He's kinda the dark, handsome,   
brooding type, you know, every girl's dreamy 'tall, dark stranger' who'll come sweeep   
you away from boring old life, but I'm all pastels and bunnies and bubblegum. Not to   
mention clumsy and he's graceful, for a guy...what happened to that bench over there...?"  
  
"I don't think..."  
  
"But he's so cold all the time. Talk about communication problems! He's   
so closed off..."  
  
"He was..."  
  
"He never really acted like, you know, he *had* to have me, like that   
undying devotion you see in books and movies..."  
  
"Had to..."  
  
"And you know, I totally would've given it up for him, too..."  
  
"You WOULD'VE..."  
  
"Oh, I know what people say about older guys and younger girls and   
pressure and all, but it wasn't really like that..."  
  
"Is that..."  
  
"I really wanted to, but he was always, 'you're too young, we should   
wait', and that kind of thing makes me mad. I mean, I was totally ready, and   
even now, looking back, I can say I wouldn't have had any regrets, even knowing   
he would've dumped me."  
  
"With..."  
  
"But seriously, aren't most guys desperate to jump girls' bones? I mean,   
look at the guys at our school. They're all so horny they see a girl's bra   
strap and pitch a tent! It's disgusting, really. Men can be such pigs."  
  
"Uh, not..."  
  
"Oh, who am I kidding? He did want me like that. I'm just a stupid   
little middle-school student. I mean, he never even tried to get into my   
skirt and all that. We had some steamy kisses, though..."  
  
"I know if..."  
  
"It's hard," she said suddenly, sighing softly. "I'm just a kid, after all.   
Sometimes I wonder if my 'undying devotion' to him will just fade away. He cast me   
aside pretty easily. Isn't real love supposed to be stronger than that? If he had   
really loved me, wouldn't he have come to me and just...I don't know...I would've   
listened. I would've understood." Her eyes were distant. "After all, it was a   
real love."  
  
Shinji wasn't completely dense. He knew the rabbit's heart already belonged   
to this mysterious man who, he guessed, either didn't know what he had lost or knew   
too well.  
  
"But at the time I meant it!" she exclaimed, returning to the original subject.   
"I was really ready..."  
  
"I'm sure you..."  
  
"Well, maybe not for some of the foreplay stuff..."  
  
"Foreplay...?"  
  
"Like what I heard the intern did to the American President..."  
  
"You mean..."  
  
"My friend Minako told me about that. You know, what they did in the Oval   
Office? With that blue dress or something? Mina-chan said stripes are going to   
come back in style now, and then Rei-chan told her it was polka dots. I hear   
the woman designs purses now..."  
  
"Oh, THAT..."  
  
"I mean, what would possess a woman to..."  
  
"Let's not..."  
  
"You're right, this is us-getting-ice-cream-together time." Usagi   
vindictively took a lick of her now-melting triple-scoop chocolate chip, double   
fudge, and chocolate-chip-cookie-dough in a waffle cone covered with hot fudge.   
All the chocolate reminded her of *him*. "So tell me about yourself," she ordered   
Shinji. What's your favorite color?"  
  
"My favorite..."  
  
"Mamo-chan's favorite color is black..."  
  
"Uh, green..."  
  
"That's so LIKE him, to be all depressing and like black and all that...."  
  
"Black's a..."  
  
"I mean yeah, he has that whole tortured soul thing going for him, the   
depraved childhood and all. I'm surprised he doesn't read all that depressing   
suicidal poetry like most of the people like that..."  
  
"Tortured...?"  
  
"But seriously, who does he think he is, dumping me without even giving me   
a reason? I gave him my heart, darnit!"  
  
"He didn't..."  
  
"Nothing. Nada. Zip. No reason to explain it..."  
  
"That's..."  
  
"He never even told me he loved me..."  
  
"He..."  
  
"But that doesn't matter at all to me..."  
  
"Does it..."  
  
"After all, I *did* slap him earlier today..."  
  
"You SLAPPED..."  
  
"He was being such a jerk...he totally deserved it..."  
  
"But really..."  
  
"I would've kicked him you-know-where if I could've..."  
  
"That would be..."  
  
"Oh, don't defend him," Usagi groaned. "Men...you're all the same!   
I'm totally over Mamo-chan anyways..."  
  
"Are you..."  
  
"I'm so angry with him, though..."  
  
"I guess..."  
  
"If he came back to me today and got on his knees and BEGGED me for   
forgiveness, I *still* wouldn't forgive him! I mean it!"  
  
"I wouldn't..."  
  
"I think I'm going to swear off all men. No, really, I mean it! I'm   
going to join a convent and become a nun. Or at least I would 'cept I look   
terrible in black. Minako-chan said I look like I'm in the last stages of   
digestion,* and then Ami-chan yelled at her. Oh, and I guess the hood would   
look a little silly with my odango. Plus I giggle."  
  
"Well, ah..."  
  
"What's it matter? I'm just going to live alone with 25 cats in a big   
Victorian house with shuttered windows and all the kids on the street will   
call me the Cat Lady. And I'm going to burn all my bras and fight for   
women's rights and..."  
  
Enough was enough; he'd been downright saintly through this ordeal and   
was ready to collect his due...even if he knew it was all he was going get   
from her. Without any warning, (and totally ignoring the preceding 20-minute   
lecture of the evils of the male sepcies) the young man swiftly sealed his lips   
onto Usagi's.  
  
*********  
  
The sudden, searing pain on his cheek was enough to bring him partially   
back to reality. Struggling to focus, he grasped onto the one thing that was   
tangible at the moment.  
  
Usagi.  
  
Mamoru's clouded mind suddenly snapped into the clear. *Usagi*. He'd   
completely forgotten about her in the midst of his depression.  
  
Thoughts of her warmed him instantly, a precious few memories that were   
more vital to him at that moment than oxygen. Memories of her fresh, smiling   
face, the smell of roses that surrounded her, the soft golden hair, and the   
voice that changed from a sweet soprano to a banshee wail in exactly 3.8231   
seconds overwhelmed him all of a sudden excited his senses and brought him   
a heady sense of peace all at once.  
  
The way she always fell straight into his arms. The way she tried to   
please him in any number of highly original ways. The way she had accepted and   
loved him unconditionally, had tried so hard to get past his cool exterior, had   
never given up despite stern resistance.  
  
He couldn't stand it anymore. He needed to see her, needed to touch her,   
needed to have her soothe away the ache in his heart. Mamoru knew that he had   
hurt her; he knew that his dreams had told him to stay away from her, but he   
just couldn't keep away any longer. The pain was slowly killing him, and she was the   
only person who had ever loved him...his Princess, the sole bright spot in his   
tedious life. For the first time, the dream's hold on him had retreated, and   
now Mamoru realized that there may have been nothing to the dreams after all,   
that he could protect and provide for Usagi, so that the empty achievements of   
his life would have some meaning at last.  
  
Closing his eyes, he mentally located Usagi in the park. Mamoru rushed there,   
heart lightened by the thought of reconciliation with her. He could practically   
taste her lips, and it was driving him insane.  
  
And then...Mamoru rubbed his eyes, but yes, he was seeing correctly. It   
was Usagi, all right. And a guy.  
  
A guy who was kissing the daylights out of her.  
  
Mamoru let out a small cry before turning away, unable to watch.  
  
*********  
  
Usagi was not happy about this.  
  
No, not at all.  
  
In fact, she was very, very, angry.  
  
And she had learned from Minako how to make sure a guy knew you were   
angry.  
  
Very, very angry.  
  
So a very, very, angry knee swiftly came up and made contact where Shinji   
kept his family jewels.  
  
"&!*@!" He dropped to the ground in total agony, groaning as his life   
flashed before him. Ah, so many regrets...especially this, especially this.  
  
"ECCHI!!!" Usagi screeched as loud as humanly possible. "Who do you   
think you ARE?! Were you listening to me at ALL?!"  
  
"Forgive me," Shinji croaked between moans and curses, "but you wouldn't   
shut up..." Usagi stood there, mouth gaping. Shinji finally managed to recover   
himself, if not his dignity, and stand up.   
  
"Uh...I'll walk you home, if I can still walk," he said shakily, offering   
a watery smile.  
  
Well, it was obvious to Shinji that Usagi probably wasn't interested. So,   
getting up and grabbing one hand in a brotherly manner while protecting his   
downstairs region with the other, he started to walk Usagi home.  
  
"Thanks for listening to my babbling," Usagi said with a slight smile.   
"You're okay...for a man. And a hentai."  
  
"Hai, um...by any chance, that blonde, with the big bow?"  
  
"Aino Minako?"  
  
"Hai...is she free, by any chance?"  
  
"Mina-chan? Oh yeah, she's totally single! Completely, utterly,   
thoroughly single! She's desperate for any contact with any man!"  
  
*********  
  
It was right after his second glass of sake Mamoru realized that if he   
were to die that night, no one would mourn his loss.  
  
The alcohol warmed him; it was smooth and eased him away from stinging   
despair into the lull of drunken oblivion, laced with dull depression rather   
than the intense gnawing sensation of before. Of course, alcohol was a   
depressant, he'd learned that in Biological Psychology, but that wasn't exactly   
registering right now. After witnessing the scene with Usagi he had walked for   
hours, giving free reign to his inner demons and allowing his mind to trap him into   
all sorts of sugarcoated-strychnine lies. Now he needed to kill the pain fast.  
  
Cold and isolated as it may have been, Mamoru now understood why he'd kept   
his icy exterior even as he'd longed for love--it was much less painful to live   
behind that cold exterior, to use it as armor and defense mechanism. Maybe it was   
lonely, but the grief didn't seep inside...or get out, either. It was a   
method of survival, and a very good one, at that. Intelligence, success, and   
independence had made it easy to construct, and his armor was once stronger than   
steel.  
  
So where was his protection now? He felt helpless and alone, victim to   
the years of buried anger and loneliness. His defenses had been stripped away   
from him; he was left weak as a kitten. He downed another glass of sake, then   
decided to be ethnically diverse and try tequila.  
  
And Usagi...Mamoru certainly could've seen this one coming. In his mind,   
Usagi was the only thing that made any sense. Mamoru had once prided himself on   
not needing anyone or anything. From the start, Usagi had been a threat to   
that. It was natural for him to believe that she wouldn't feel the same way.   
Not to mention he found it a little absurd to be lusting after (and later, he   
admitted, in love with) a girl so much younger than he was. When viewed in that   
light, it made perfect sense that he had done as much as possible to drive her   
away and deny himself the one thing he'd ever really wanted. But he had   
been unable to stay away. So the constant teasing had been safe; there were no   
feelings involved but he allowed himself to see and even interact with her on a   
regular basis until he got over her.  
  
Only there *were* emotions involved. And they had grown stronger; they had   
not lessened like his rational mind had reasoned they would. But she had hated   
him...  
  
The fifth drink got him to openly acknowledge he never actually believed   
Usagi cared for him. It didn't matter that he had grown to love her with   
a passion and adoration that made Romeo's love for Juliet seem like sisterly   
affection by the time the ginzuishou was restored and they were reunited. He   
had tormented her, made her loathe him...well, hadn't he? Mamoru believed in Usagi,   
but he had never believed in her love for *him*, the Endymion of this era, rather   
than the noble Prince of 1,000 years ago.  
  
"You look like you're a bit stressed."  
  
Mamoru dazedly made out black hair and green eyes while he tried to grasp   
reality. It didn't really work.  
  
"Hai," he murmured.  
  
"Something I can help you with?"  
  
"Don't think so." He ordered another glass of sake and drank it down in   
three gulps.  
  
"I can loosen you up a bit..." Small, soft hands touched upon his   
collarbone. A little figure snuggled against him, and he nuzzled her a bit. He   
felt warm for the first time all day.  
  
He took her chin in his hands and tilted it to him, gently bringing his   
mouth down. She was experienced, and he took advantage of it, losing himself in   
the feel of the kiss. Mamoru leaned in hungrily, breaking off the kiss and   
trailing kisses down her neck and throat.  
  
"Usako...God, you feel so good..." Mamoru could feel his heart lightening   
as he kissed her.  
  
The next sensation was the sharp sting of nails reopening the mar on his   
cheek. Furious, she stormed out, taking her warmth with her.  
  
He cried out slightly and reached out for her, but she was already gone.  
  
"Ouch," the bartender commented suddenly, interrupting his miserable   
reverie. He pulled a stool up to see the cut. "She got you good," he   
declared, examining the laceration. "Look, one of the guys is a pre-med student.   
Let me go him so he can patch that up."  
  
Mamoru swatted the bartender's hands away. "Leave it," he enjoined   
listlessly. "I don't care. Just get me another drink."  
  
He downed the glass in less than sixty seconds.  
  
*********  
  
"Why did you call this meeting, Artemis?" Usagi was still fuming over her   
heinous day, and she didn't really feel up to a big long lecture from the cats.   
They were, once again, at the shrine, and Usagi, Makoto, and Minako had already   
attacked Rei's manga collection. Ami was working with Artemis, still trying to   
get the computer to work right.  
  
"She didn't." Mamoru quietly stepped into the shrine's main room, his   
lean figure sending simultaneous waves of fury and rapture through Usagi. "I   
did."  
  
"Mamoru-san has something important he needed to bring to our attention,"   
Luna said, coming out from behind him. "It's rather urgent."  
  
"Hurry up," Minako said, eyeing her nails. "I have a nail appointment in   
half an hour."  
  
Artemis swatted her with his paw. "What did we talk about last week?!" he   
hissed at the blonde.  
  
"Oh, get over it. If I'm the Bishoujo Senshi Sailorvenus, I'd better look   
the part."  
  
"Our fearless leader, ladies and gentlemen," Rei muttered.  
  
"I HEARD THAT!"  
  
"Can we focus please?" Ami snapped impatiently. "I'm interested in   
hearing this. Go ahead, Mamoru-san."  
  
Mamoru sighed and picked some imaginary lint off his infamous green   
jacket. "I believe you are all aware of what happened at the attack last   
night."  
  
"No, I'm not," Rei said. "I wasn't there."  
  
"Where were you last night, anyways?" Makoto asked lazily. "Even Usagi-  
chan showed up."  
  
"Hey! That's not fair!" Usagi squeaked.  
  
"Usagi-chan's tardiness is not the issue here," Mamoru said sharply, "and   
should not be brought into this matter." The tone suggested he was not to be   
pushed.  
  
Luna looked up at Mamoru. Despite all his claims, he was still protecting   
her under any and all circumstances. What, precisely, had happened between   
them?  
  
"For your information, Mako-chan, I was at a political reception for my   
father on the outskirts of town. I was too far away to reach the battle in   
time. And even so I couldn't wear my communicator in the hall because it wasn't   
fashionable!"  
  
"Wasn't fashionable? You sound like Minako-chan."  
  
"That's cruel!"  
  
"HOW IS THAT CRUEL?!" Minako was practically foaming at the mouth.  
  
"ALL RIGHT!" Luna screamed. "ENOUGH!!! Ami-chan, please explain to   
Rei-chan what happened last night."  
  
Ami then proceeded to give an over-detailed, rather bombastic account of   
the battle the night before which confused even Mamoru, left all the senshi   
permanently dumber, and resulted in sweatdrops all around.  
  
"Um, do they sell Frank's Notes for that?" Minako asked weakly, trying to   
comprehend.  
  
"Cliff's Notes," Ami groaned.  
  
"Sorry," Minako squeaked feebly. "I think I shorted some brain cells   
trying to understand all that."  
  
"Oh, damn you all!" Ami screeched uncharacteristically, making the   
senshi jump out of their skins. "Mako-chan, YOU explain."  
  
This time, Makoto used lots of nice, small words that would have made Dr.   
Seuss proud. At very least the senshi understood her.  
  
"Mamoru-san!" Rei's eyes widened a little too concernedly when Mako finished   
recounting the assault. "Are you all right?"  
  
"Not exactly. That's why I'm here tonight. I know now what happened to   
me last night."  
  
"What?" All of the senshi looked up.  
  
"I believe the device created a organic reproduction of my body to serve   
the Black Moon."  
  
"Translation?" Minako queried.  
  
Mamoru growled. "I was cloned."  
  
"Oh, you mean like that pig? What's her name, Loretta?"  
  
"Dolly," Ami said through clenched teeth. "And she's a ewe."  
  
"I am NOT a pig!**" Minako cried, obviously insulted. Ami sweatdropped.  
  
"Anyways, I believe the clone will attempt to pass himself off as me and   
use that to harm our team. I am not certain if he also cloned my power as   
Tuxedo Kamen, but I urge all of you to take caution. It is my personal belief   
he will try to harm Usagi-chan."  
  
"Wait a minute," Makoto said sharply. "How do we know YOU'RE not the   
clone and you have the REAL Mamoru stuffed in a box somewhere?"  
  
"Or brainwashed and working for the Black Moon? He's awfully susceptible   
to it," Minako added, growing serious.  
  
Both senshi stood up, ready to pounce.  
  
"It's him."  
  
Usagi's voice was so small the senshi didn't respond for a moment. Then,   
turning to her, they saw her looking at Mamoru with huge blue eyes, tense but   
resolute.  
  
Rei slipped over to Usagi's side and gently put an arm around her. It was   
obvious Usagi was nearing the end of her rope. "How do you know, Usagi-chan?"   
Rei asked softly, trying to be gentle.  
  
Usagi sighed but her gaze did not falter. Mamoru shifted uncomfortably.   
"I always know when he's nearby," she said softly.  
  
"But how?" Rei pressed delicately.  
  
"There's just...it's like whenever he's nearby, I feel something. Like a   
rose blooming inside my chest."  
  
Usagi finally looked down, blushing slightly. "It's silly, but...never   
mind. He would never hurt me, even if he says he doesn't love me."  
  
All four senshi gathered around Usagi, who gave them a sad, little half-smile.   
They turned back to Mamoru with angry, accusing eyes.  
  
Mamoru felt despicable. Usagi's life was more important to him than   
anything was, but he did not know her feelings ran so deeply that she knew to   
trust him instantly. He briefly wondered what it was like to be Usagi, to trust   
everyone implicitly, to be so in touch with your feelings. Surely there were   
many advantages...  
  
Nonetheless, her life was still his utmost priority. As long as he   
continued to have the dreams, he would not allow himself the pleasure of her   
love. However...it was time to reconsider his strategy. "Usagi-chan, may I see   
you outside for a moment?"  
  
She shot up like a spring but replied "Hai," in that same small voice.  
  
They walked out into the shrine gardens, Usagi slipping her hand into   
Mamoru's almost unconsciously. Tonight, he did not protest.  
  
It was dark but incredibly clear. The Hikawa Jinja was on top of a hill   
and far enough away from the harsh artificial lights of Tokyo that a trillion   
stars glittered brilliantly in the heavens, illuminating the haunting beauty of   
the rock garden. She looked up for the moon but saw none, and gave a little   
sigh of regret.  
  
Usagi approached Mamoru and gently stroked the searing red lash she had   
given him earlier that day. "I didn't mean what I said earlier," she said   
softly. "Forgive me, Mamoru-san."  
  
"I have not been honest with you, Usa." Usa. Usa was good. It wasn't   
Usako, but it indicated a degree of comfort and intimacy. And it gave Usagi   
some courage.  
  
"I know, Mamo-chan."  
  
"You do?" He looked at her oddly, his overly logical mind unable to   
understand the depths of the human heart.  
  
"Mamo-chan, I know you better than you think I do. And I think you're   
just scared. I know you've had it hard, and there's no one who's ever really   
forced themselves on your little world the way I tend to." She let out a sad   
sigh. "But I'll wait for you to come around."  
  
Scared? Mamoru mentally checked to see if she might be correct. She   
wasn't, he was not scared of intimacy, and yet...he had the odd feeling he   
*should* be scared. Unable to understand this, he pushed it aside for now.   
Mamoru was not one for introspection.  
  
"Usa, I have recently been forewarned that the continuation of our   
relationship would result in your demise. After a lot of consideration, the   
best possible solution is for me to avoid you at all costs."  
  
"How? What happened?"  
  
"Please don't push the envelope, Usa. I wish for you to have as little   
involvement in this until I find out if my source is accurate."  
  
"All right..." Usagi looked up at him, eyes poignant but hopeful. "I   
don't think you're looking at this the same way as I would, Mamo-chan. Life is   
for living. I'd rather live a year with you than a million without."  
  
Mamoru sighed and reconsidered his strategy. After a moment, he knew what   
to say--namely, the truth. "I could never be happy with you if there was any   
chance my presence was endangering your life. Usa, knowing you are alive and   
well means infinitely more to me than living with you, knowing I will bring   
about your death."  
  
"Oh..." This was different. The emotion Mamoru appealed in Usagi was her   
desire to please him in any way she could.  
  
"But..." He reached out and caressed his cheek with her hand. Mamoru   
wanted Usagi to be reassured of the basis of his concern. "Never forget that I   
do this so that you may live, Tsukino Usagi. My first priority is always your   
well-being."  
  
Usagi stood up on her tiptoes and pecked a light kiss on Mamoru's lips,   
and few sad tears glistened like the stars above on her cheeks. "Aishiteru,   
kobito-chan," she whispered hoarsely. "Sayonara." She gave him the same sad   
little smile she had given the senshi earlier.  
  
Usagi and Mamoru walked out of the garden together as clouds began to form   
outside. They did not touch once.  
  
*********  
  
"Mamoru-san, please wait..." Rei stopped Mamoru as he was preparing to get   
in his car. By now it was raining moderately, droplets bouncing off the coat   
and absorbing into Mamoru's thick black hair.  
  
"Is something wrong, Rei-chan?"  
  
"Usagi-chan told us what happened in the garden." Rei sighed. "It was   
wise of you to tell her in the way you did. Now she won't push you to get back   
together unless you feel she is out of danger."  
  
"Hai." He opened his door.  
  
"But why now?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"Why did you wait until tonight to tell her?" Rei asked, staring at him   
quite pensively. "I was listening to Makoto's explanation of the battle. Are   
you sure you yourself weren't affected by the bolt somehow?"  
  
Mamoru looked himself over as if he expected to find a third arm or   
something. "I don't feel any different, Rei-chan."  
  
Rei scrutinized his trim figure. "I do sense something different about   
you, Mamoru-san. Are you busy tomorrow?"  
  
"Are you asking me out?"  
  
"NANI?!" Rei jumped up so high she brushed the top of the cherry tree   
they were standing under.  
  
"Forgive me, Rei-chan," Mamoru blushed slightly. "I had a bad experience   
earlier."  
  
"It's okay. You caught me off guard, that's all. I was wondering because   
I'd like to do a fire reading with you in the room, but I don't have time to   
prepare tonight."  
  
Mamoru found his day-planner lying on the passenger's seat and flipped to   
the Saturday page. "Not until the evening."  
  
"That's fine. Seven all right?"  
  
"It's a date."  
  
Rei turned as red as her robes.  
  
"Uh...sorry." He got into the car as fast as he could.  
  
*********  
  
He left after the sixth drink with his misery and a resolution.  
  
Mamoru no longer felt drunk in the classical sense, the way he had before   
his incident with the raven-haired woman. His coordination was as good as it   
was sober, his speech was clear, and he was not nauseated in the least.  
  
His mind, however, was murky and dim, registering only the pain that had   
been swelling inside him all day. He couldn't think, couldn't concentrate,   
couldn't even breathe properly. He did not notice the fact it was pouring   
outside the bar. All he could focus on was how to make the pain go away. Fast.  
  
It wasn't like anyone really cared whether he lived or died. Motoki, his   
closest, perhaps only, friend, now seemed like a stranger to him. Usagi was   
gone, did not care for him, had never really cared in the first place (Mamoru   
had to stop for a moment and recover his breathing capacities when that thought   
flashed across his mind), and he knew there would never be anyone else for him.   
His achievements, no matter how great, were worthless now. He wanted love, but   
laughed at the thought of anyone giving it to him.  
  
So when he went across the bridge, he knew exactly how to fulfill his   
resolution.  
  
Looking down, he calculated that the height was enough to make certain   
that even if he didn't die upon impact, the hand of God still couldn't save him.  
  
"Aishiteru, Usako."  
  
Mamoru closed his eyes and stepped towards the ledge.  
  
*********  
  
*'Akayashi' is the surname of Rubeus's four subordinates. It means the 'four fake   
sisters'.  
**Groan...I know, I know. Sorry, I couldn't resist!  
  
And just so ya don't forget: ai_02@yahoo.com. C'mon, people, you KNOW   
you want to! 


	2. Part II

Well, I'm happy about the buzz around the story (even though my mailbox   
seems strangely lonely...then again, that may be because I just changed   
addresses)...I'm pleased people like my work. Even though I like writing   
because the more I do the better I get, feedback really is a good way to make   
a girl sit down and write.  
  
But from here on in, contact me at:  
  
tennyo@home.com  
  
I'm happy...it means I finally have a mail client.  
  
Anyways, yes, this part was written a while back but I needed to rework   
a few extremely crucial scenes. But between two history projects, an English   
paper, a Chem project (evil, sadistic Chem teacher...), Choir auditions, Junior   
Prom, and realizing I've been in love with my best guy friend since I met him   
last year (this is an extremely unpleasant situation to be in, by the way), I've   
been, er, busy. And don't ask about the last part unless you want to hear the   
hour-long rant on my sheer stupidity over the matter. But at least Prom was fun.   
And I looked damn good.  
  
But since I'm bitter, we have a bitter disclaimer for you today:  
  
Yet Another Stupid Disclaimer So The Poor, Broke Author Doesn't Get Her   
Butt Sued By A Bunch Of Psychos With Rabid Lawyers: Sailormoon does not belong   
to me. But if you haven't figured that out by now...well, I'll let it slide if   
you're from Florida (J/K).  
  
Oooh, here's an idea: story!  
  
*********  
  
"The heart has its reasons which reason knows nothing of."  
--Blaise Pascal  
  
*********  
  
"You said to me,  
'Baby don't you cry,'  
Put your arms around me child,  
And live with me tonight..."  
  
--Weezer, "You Gave Your Love To   
Me Softly"  
  
*********  
  
*Ding-dong!*  
  
Usagi groaned. It had been a miserable, exhausting day, and she was NOT   
up for company. What kind of crazy people called at midnight, anyways? Besides,   
it was probably a bad idea to open her door to a complete stranger...  
  
But what if it wasn't a stranger? It could be one of the senshi, or Naru,   
or...well, who knew? With a sigh, she grabbed her robe and headed towards the door.  
  
Ding-dong!  
  
"All right, I'm coming already!" Her pace quickened. Why did her heart beat   
faster with each step she took? Where did the pounding sense of urgency in her head   
mean?  
  
By the time she actually *reached* the door, she looked more like she had   
travelled a thousand miles than a hundred yards. Without even looking in the peephole   
she yanked the door open, completely throwing caution to the wind.  
  
On her doorstep stood a drenched Mamoru, eyes completely empty and impervious to   
the miserable cold rain that had soaked him.  
  
"Mamo--"  
  
In a single movement he pulled her into his arms and kissed her harder than   
she'd ever been kissed before. Grabbing her tightly, he molded her against him as   
best he possibly could, frantically reaching a hand to the back of her head so he   
could gain greater access. The sheer passion in the kiss blew Usagi and her   
meager experience with sweeter and gentler pecks away.  
  
He cast me aside pretty easily. Isn't real love supposed to be stronger than   
that? The words from her 'chat' with Shinji this afternoon suddenly rang in her mind.  
  
She was aware of the hot, salty liquid that mingled with the cold rain. Usagi   
heard him half-murmur, half-sob something under his breath, but she was too lost in   
the kiss to understand what he was trying to say. She made a feeble attempt to pull   
away but he just held her closer to him.  
  
If he had really loved me, wouldn't he have come to me and just...I don't   
know... and she still didn't. The emotion in the kiss was doing strange things to   
her insides; she finally realized it was a lost cause. Melting all over the floor,   
she leaned in, both trying to comprehend the sledgehammer of passion and matching his   
with her own. How long had she prayed and wept and beseeched the gods for this?  
  
After that, any and all thinking just shut down. He pulled her in even tighter,   
closer than she thought humanly possible, trying to make her understand. Because he   
didn't have the words or the skill to do it any other way.  
  
Ironically, it was he, not her, who broke away first--not that he wanted to.   
Mamoru turned his head to the side and proceeded to have a very violent coughing fit.   
But he didn't let go, didn't dare.  
  
For Usagi, who was still in a half-conscious state, this was a rude awakening.   
She gasped in horror when she realized he'd needed to get out of the rain and into   
the house, where he could get warm. Reluctantly and with great effort she removed   
herself from his arms, purposely ignoring the pained look in his eyes.  
  
She gently stroked his cheek with his hand, running a finger across the mark   
she'd left from earlier in the day.  
  
"Get inside," she ordered gently. He allowed her to lead him into the house.  
  
*********  
  
Her first priority was getting Mamoru some clothes.  
  
He was soaked to the bone, and, as much as the idea appealed to her,   
suggesting Mamoru go completely naked in her living room would probably not   
thrill him much (Ai: Whoo-hoo!). The most logical option would be to use some   
of her father's things, but Mamoru was half a foot taller than her father was.   
He wouldn't have fit in anything her father owned. Unfortunately for Usagi, she   
got her height from her father's side of the family.  
  
After some thought, Usagi remembered one of her uncles, one that was   
somewhat taller than Mamoru, had left some things here last time he'd visited.   
Her mother, who always had too much time on her hands, had washed them   
especially. She found a white collared shirt and jeans, and, after some digging   
in her father's drawers, an unopened package of boxers. Grabbing a towel, and   
trying to hold back a major blush, she went downstairs.  
  
She walked back into the living room and felt her concern grow   
exponentially. Mamoru's eyes stared vacantly at some random point on the wall,   
similar to how Motoki had described him earlier in the day. He was definitely   
not the Mamoru she had said goodbye to in the garden earlier that night. It   
crossed her mind that this could be the clone...Usagi shook her head in denial.   
No matter what anyone would tell her, this was Mamoru. Nobody but Mamoru could   
make her feel warm inside by simply being nearby.   
  
Actually, right now she technically wasn't warm, she was frightened, but   
that was beside the point.   
  
"Take off your clothes," Usagi said quietly.  
  
Mamoru snapped to attention immediately, seeing the clothing in her hands.   
He looked at her for a moment with haunted eyes, then towards the clothes, then   
towards her again, and flushed a little.  
  
It finally registered with Usagi why he was so reluctant. Sighing, she   
tossed the clothes to him and spun on her heels. "Take your wet clothes and   
bring them to the kitchen when you're finished dressing."  
  
He nodded slightly as she walked out. Usagi, switched into serious mode,   
had no issues preparing tea for once. While she was straining the tea, he   
walked in and silently placed his drenched clothing on the table.  
  
Usagi noticed a cut on his face. It was still bleeding, never given a   
proper chance to heal from the incident at the bar. But it was in exactly the   
same spot as the one she had made earlier in the day...  
  
When she finished the tea, she decided to start a fire. Twenty-five   
minutes and a lot of colorful language later, she succeeded in doing so. She   
sat Mamoru down by the fire and went to change out of her own wet clothing,   
which consisted of her bunny pajamas, placed everything in the dryer, and then   
pulled some things out of the first-aid kit for the cut. Then, she went upstairs   
and changed into another pair of pajamas.   
  
From the stairs, she could see he hadn't touched the tea and was still   
shaking. He pressed his legs up against his chest, looking around with his   
terrible eyes. When they touched upon a mirror, Mamoru shuddered violently and   
looked away, as if afraid of the reflection.  
  
She came down a few more steps and Mamoru turned his attention to her,   
blatantly staring but unable to take his eyes away. Usagi desperately wanted   
to know what happened, to take that look out of his eyes. It unnerved her more   
than anything, but not in the same fashion it had Motoki. Motoki had been   
frightened of Mamoru. She was frightened for him.  
  
Sitting down next to him, she quietly dipped a cloth in water and wiped   
the blood away from the cut. His eyes filled with questions, but he did not   
speak.  
  
Mamoru wasn't certain what exactly had transpired between his suicide   
attempt and arriving on Usagi's doorstep. The only thing he was certain   
about was that somehow she'd stopped him from jumping off the bridge, even   
from nearly four miles away. The next thing he knew, he was here.  
  
"I knew you wouldn't do it," she said softly. "At first, I thought you   
might and I was scared. My heart was breaking. But then I could feel you step   
back and turn to come here. But I wasn't really conscious of it...I didn't   
really think about it until you got here."  
  
He looked down, ashamed of his weakness.  
  
"Doushite, Mamoru-san?" She put down the cloth.  
  
Mamoru didn't answer her.  
  
"Please tell me why you tried to kill yourself." Usagi lifted his chin up   
to face her, her mouth quivering, but he still looked away, unable to answer.  
  
She grew angry, frustrated by his silence. She needed answers, but he was   
completely unplugged, no input, no output. It was making her mad. "Talk to me,   
damn it!" she yelled at him, jumping up in anger. Weeks of hurt and sorrow and   
fury were poured into the confrontation. "Tell me what happened!"  
  
His already dejected face crumpled completely. Usagi realized she had   
come on much too strong. Whatever had happened, it had left him extremely   
exposed.  
  
She wiped away the tears. He looked back up at her. What she saw there   
chilled her to the bone.  
  
To break the tension, she retrieved the antibacterial. "This may sting a   
little."  
  
Mamoru didn't even flinch as she dabbed the area with the antibacterial.   
He was off in his own world again, paying no attention.  
  
To put it bluntly, he was making her mad. What right did he have to be   
here after callously breaking her heart without any sort of reason or even   
preparation? Why now did he show up on her doorstep without rhyme or reason   
and feel it was his privilege to paw her?  
  
When the questions burning in her mind grew too intense to ignore, she   
dared to speak again. "You know, you never told me why you broke up with me."  
  
He turned to face her. "Gomen nasai," he said simply. That was it.   
That was IT?!  
  
Once again her blood boiled and her voice rose. "Do you think I'm some   
sort of safety girlfriend?" she demanded suddenly, snapping him out of his   
stupor. "That when you decide you want me around I'll be right here waiting?!"  
  
"You certainly weren't waiting around for me!" he cried, remembering her   
lips against the stranger's.  
  
"What's THAT supposed to mean?" Usagi demanded.  
  
He stood up and grabbed her by her arms. "Don't play innocent," he   
snarled. "I saw you with that guy in the park." Usagi turned white. "See?"   
Mamoru taunted. "Does someone have a guilty conscience, Usagi?"  
  
The alcohol bubbling in veins was only accentuating the massive jumble   
of anger and pain that had stewed in his system for twelve years. Without even   
consciously realizing it, he was attacking the one person he held closest to   
his heart. The only person, some grim corner of himself acknowledged, that   
would have ever let him.  
  
"You gave up your claim on me the day you told me it was over! Don't   
go acting like the victim here, Mamoru!"  
  
"I should say the same about you," he shot back icily. "I saw you   
kissing him. Don't play games with me."  
  
Usagi's vision blurred with the threat of impending tears. "I hate   
you," she whispered. Mamoru's face dropped. "You really expect me to   
sit here like a dog and wait until you decide you want me around?"  
  
"I never thought that!" Mamoru looked genuinely shocked and hurt.   
"You're the only person I've ever really cared about!"  
  
"And if you really care about me," she threw down the cloth, "then why   
did you leave me, Mamoru?" she snapped. "I want to know."  
  
"I can't." The sound was hopeless but she refused to acknowledge it.  
  
"Then you should go." Usagi knew if she didn't put her foot down now   
she never would; she had to understand now why he had left her so abruptly.  
As Minako once told her, those who forgot the past were doomed to spend the   
rest of their lives trying to figure out why anime guys didn't really exist.   
Or, as Ami put it, they were doomed to repeat it.  
  
"Do you really want me to go?" he whispered.  
  
Of course she didn't want him to go! Her heart screamed but her mind   
remained firm. "I think it'd be best if you did."  
  
Mamoru stood up and walked to the door in a daze. Usagi tearfully watched   
him open the door and look back. She could feel his eyes on her, begging her to   
let him stay. He choked back a cry and stepped outside.  
  
And that's when she realized she couldn't do it. Not now, when he obviously   
needed her more now than ever before. And even if this had been the final goodbye,   
she could have never escaped him. He was twisted around her heart and wrapped   
around her mind. Mamoru was the life that flowed in her veins. To abandon him   
was to abandon herself.  
  
"Matte!"  
  
He turned back, eyes devoid of hope and trained on the floor.  
  
Usagi bit her lip, a little unsure. Tears dammed in her eyes and she felt   
her heart burst. "Don't leave me!" she cried miserably, desperately reaching   
out for him.  
  
She could feel him let out a sigh of relief; and in an instant his arms   
were like vices around her small waist. "I won't leave you," he whispered   
in her ear. "I can't let you go."  
  
Usagi sobbed into his chest, releasing weeks of anguish into him. With a   
sigh she led him to her parents' bedroom, which had the most comfortable bed in   
the house. He lay her down and let her sob, gently reassuring her as best he could.   
But for all his warmth and comfort she was ever aware of the fact he was still   
shaking.  
  
When her sobs subsided, she finally noticed the tears running down his   
cheeks. She reached a gentle hand out to wipe them away, but he flinched.   
Usagi looked up at him questioningly, but he just closed his eyes, ignoring the   
continued stream of water.  
  
After about 15 minutes in silence, she felt his form grow still and his   
breathing become deep and regular. Gently untwining herself from his arms, she   
looked over at him and realized he had fallen asleep. It was a big relief to her.   
The rest would be good for him.   
  
Usagi looked over his face, which was drawn but still handsome, unmarred   
by the cut on his cheek. He looked hopelessly young...probably not that   
different from the little boy in the hospital who had just been told the parents   
he would not remember had left him.   
  
He unconsciously reached out and took her in his arms. Even while asleep,   
she wondered in astonishment...and for all her troubles, she drifted in and out   
of the most restful sleep she'd ever experienced.  
  
*********  
  
It was the happiest day of her life. After years of waiting (not at all   
patiently), of daydreaming, of sustaining until this day could come, it was   
here. She was finally going to marry Chiba Mamoru.  
  
She stared lovingly at the white gown she was dressed in, the roses in her   
hair and bouquet. She saw Rei, Ami, Mako, Minako, all in appropriately colored   
bridesmaids. gowns. A small girl with thick black hair was her flower girl.  
  
Minako flashed her the 'V is for Victory' sign, which promptly got her a   
knock on the head from Rei.   
  
Two other women she did not recognize, one with short blonde hair and a   
boyish face, and one with elegant aqua tresses and warm blue eyes, were sitting   
upon the organ bench. It appeared the blonde was her organist. As for the   
aqua-haired lady, Usagi discerned from the exquisite violin in her hands that   
she was also a musician. The boyish one grinned wickedly and winked at Usagi,   
which got *her* a knock on the head from the aqua-haired one.  
  
"Are you ready?" A tall, olive-skinned woman with eyes not unlike   
Chibiusa's and flowing hunter-green hair was standing before her. She   
had assumed the post of wedding planner.  
  
"I-I guess so."  
  
She smiled. "Don't be nervous. You look lovely."  
  
Usagi gulped and reached for her father, who was standing ready to give   
his little girl away.  
  
Finally, the flower girl reached the front, and the blonde began to play   
the Wedding March. With the biggest smile she'd ever had in her life, she began   
to walk, slowly, excruciatingly carefully so as not to trip. Usagi looked   
about, seeing the smiling, happy faces of her friends, her mother, even her   
little brother. Motoki was up at the altar as best man. The entire church,   
with the stained glass windows reflecting beams of colored light everywhere and   
the bowers of roses and lilies everywhere, was more beautiful than she had   
imagined. And then she looked towards the very front...he locked her gaze with   
his with his stormy blue eyes, for once reflecting the happiness in his heart   
instead of the indifferent mask with which he normally faced the world.  
  
Her heart started to beat and her pace quickened, now in perfect rhythm   
with the music. Finally, after too long, she reached the front, where the   
priest waited patiently, and *he* waited impatiently.  
  
Usagi's father reluctantly handed her over to Mamoru, laced with happy   
tears and whispered death threats. Mamoru took her hand, his earnest gaze   
reaching hers.  
  
And then...something. Something changed, she didn't know what, and she   
began to panic. Mamoru's eyes widened in concern, the senshi were reaching for   
the henshin sticks inside their bouquets (as well as the musicians, wedding   
planner, and flower girl), and the guests were becoming alarmed.  
  
Invisible hands ripped her away and she screamed. Mamoru's concern became   
full-on fear, and the floors of the church cracked, the entire placed ripped   
apart in one fell swoop. Some fell into the gap, like the senshi, others, like   
Mamoru, managed to hold onto an area. He was screaming, but the words were   
incoherent.  
  
She reached for his hand, but it was too late. The last thing she knew   
was a voice warning Mamoru to stay away from one Tsukino Usagi.  
  
*********  
  
Usagi was awakened by the extremely uncomfortable feeling of being gripped   
to the point where her supply of oxygen was interrupted. She snapped back into   
consciousness to find Mamoru still trapped within the confines of *his* dream,   
calling out brokenly for her. She could feel his fear and anguish as if it   
were her own.  
  
In a flash she understood what the other Mamoru had said earlier that   
night. ...I have recently been forewarned that the continuation of our   
relationship would result in your demise. After a lot of consideration, the   
best possible solution is for me to avoid you at all costs...  
  
Was THIS what he had meant?  
  
"Mamo-chan, wake up. You're dreaming," Usagi pleaded with him to wake up.  
  
After a moment, Mamoru seemed to awaken and held onto her even more   
forcefully, sobbing softly into her hair. Usagi, from her position, gently   
assured him she was unharmed.  
  
She leaned back and took him in her arms, trying to reassure him. Mamoru   
was still clutching her tightly. Usagi knew if she asked now, she would get an   
answer.  
  
"Is that why you told me you didn't love me?"  
  
He looked at her and nodded.  
  
She stilled. "You broke up with me because of a dream?" Somehow Usagi   
ripped away from him. He reached out for her again but she moved away. "Are   
you really telling you broke my heart over a dream?"  
  
His sobbing quieted suddenly. Mamoru looked down. "It sounds ludicrious   
when you say it out loud, doesn't it?" he asked bitterly.  
  
"I'll say," Usagi snapped. "In fact, it's downright stupid!"  
  
Mamoru looked up at her, gasping for breath. "It's not like that," he   
protested wretchedly. "It's not like that at all."  
  
"Then what is it like?" Usagi said through clenched teeth. "Because I'd   
really like to know."  
  
"I don't know," he whispered. "I just don't know..."  
  
"Know what?"  
  
He moved away from her. "I get the feeling the dream will come true."  
  
"Well, I HOPE you at least..."  
  
"Iie, not like that! The last thing I ever want to do is hurt you..."  
  
"You already did."   
  
She gazed at him with clear, unwavering eyes while tears streamed down.   
Her tone was hurt, but no longer angry. "You hurt me when you left me."  
  
He recoiled as if she had just slapped him. "Gomen nasai," he said   
harshly. "But I can't let you go...gomen nasai..."  
  
"And you hurt me again when you came here tonight!" Usagi cried in fury.  
"You hurt me every time we passed each other on the street and every time I saw   
you with Chibiusa-chan and every night I woke up screaming for you! And all I   
could think is why: why I wasn't pretty enough, or smart enough, or good enough   
for someone as wonderful as I THOUGHT you were!"  
  
He cried. He couldn't have helped it if he'd tried.  
  
"And you hurt every single day when I died more and cried harder and   
couldn't think and I love you so much, Mamo-chan, that I hate you right now for   
making me suffer alone--"  
  
"What makes you think you were alone?"  
  
Usagi stopped. "You dumped me, Mamoru--"  
  
Mamoru laughed bitterly. "You really don't get it, do you?" he whispered   
incredulously. Usagi felt fear touch the peripheral of her mind. "You don't get   
it all."  
  
She looked away, unable to face him. "You are my whole goddamned world,   
Usagi," he snapped, his voice rising. "Do you really believe it was easy for me   
to let you go? Cutting you off was like cutting off my right arm. Let me tell you   
something, my dear, a knife in the heart doesn't hurt any less when you yourself   
are the one to put it there. If you're hurt, then so am I. You're not the only   
person who died more and more every day."  
  
"Mamo-chan--"  
  
"And at least you had someone to turn to!" he screamed at her, venting his   
years loneliness and frustration. "I tried to do the selfish thing, Usako, I tried   
so hard to ignore those dreams but at the end of the day I had to choose between   
ripping my heart out of my chest now and bleeding away later, when you were DEAD?   
You are the only reason I have to stay in this world," he whispered. "If I couldn't   
have you, at least you'd still be alive. And I tried to stop loving you but I   
might as well have stopping breathing. Without you, I'm nothing."  
  
"That's not true," Usagi said weakly. "You should've told me the truth."  
  
"So I could watch you die?" he snapped. "Your parents need you. Your   
friends need you. The senshi need you. I'm expendable. I made a choice: either   
you would go or I would. I chose myself."  
  
"Well that's nice," Usagi argued, "but never even realized you were hurting   
me."  
  
Mamoru laughed again--a cynical, lifeless noice that made Usagi's ears ache.  
"Well I guess you only hurt the ones you love, right?" he asked disparagingly,   
continuing to laugh.  
  
Some backwards corner of Usagi's heart clung to that desperate thread of   
hope. "Do you still love me?" she whispered with overly-bright blue eyes,   
ignoring his embittered demeanor.  
  
He ran an agitated hand through his hair and lay down on the bed. "I don't   
know," he murmured. "I don't think I have a heart, Usagi-chan. I never want to   
feel anything again. It's not worth the pain."  
  
"Why do you say that?" Her fear started to grow exponentially.  
  
With a desolate sigh he clutched his pillow as if it were some sort of   
comfort object. "You wouldn't understand."  
  
On an impulse she lay back down, resting her head on his chest. He   
gasped and stiffened under her. With unsure movements she wrapped her arms   
around his torso. "Make me," she ordered.  
  
He did, of course. Even now, knowing full well she didn't love him, and   
her affection stemmed from the love she held for her lost Prince, he still obeyed   
her. If she wanted him to live, he would live. If she wanted him to die, he   
would die. And if she wanted him to play along, he would play along, no matter   
the consequences.  
  
"It's nothing really," he said sarcastically. "I just realized today that   
my life is devoid of meaning."  
  
After making a mental note to ask Ami what 'devoid' meant, Usagi pressed   
him for more details. "Tell me what you mean," she implored him, knowing this   
was not the time to argue with him.  
  
"When I woke up in the park this morning--"  
  
Usagi froze.  
  
"Where did you wake up?"  
  
"Ichinohashi Park. I thought the senshi left me there after the battle.   
Doushite?" The look in her eyes was beginning to scare him.  
  
Then she recovered herself and urged him to continue.  
  
"I tried to go back to my apartment the security guard kicked me out. It   
turns out I have a double running around pretending to be me..." He paused   
uncertainly, wondering if he should voice his concerns.  
  
"Usako, I think that machine cloned me."  
  
"Go on," Usagi urged him through white lips.  
  
"I followed him...he went to school for me, to work...and I don't know, I   
just...it was amazing, watching my own life play out before me. Actually, it   
was depressing. I never realized my life was so empty."  
  
"Iie," Usagi tried to protest, but Mamoru ignored her.   
  
"By the afternoon, I was so miserable...I...I went to the Arcade first,   
but Motoki-kun was..." He couldn't finish.  
  
So *that* was why Motoki had told her Mamoru needed someone to talk to!   
The Mamoru who'd walked in while she was there was not the Mamoru that had come   
in earlier.  
  
"I needed to see you," he whispered, his voice growing ragged. He closed   
his eyes, trying to shake off the memory of the incident in the park. "But you   
were, ah, 'not waiting for me.'"  
  
She curled up closer to him. "It was a mistake," she whispered. "Forget   
about Shinji-senpai. He kissed me. And I gave him his due."  
  
"His due? How?"  
  
"Guess." Usagi's grin was a mile wide.  
  
Ah, yes. *That*. "Oh," was all he managed in response.  
  
Then, Usagi became serious again. "I would never do that to you, Mamo-  
chan. I mean it." Her voice was grave but very assured.  
  
Mamoru looked up at the ceiling wearily. "I'm tired," he whispered. "I'm   
selfish and I know it. But I can't do this any longer. Please don't hate me.  
I can't..." his voice cracked.  
  
Usagi let herself be wrapped up in his steel grip and desperate kisses.   
He took her hungrily, frantically trying to get as close to her as possible.  
At first she responded just as strongly, needing to quell the uncertainty and   
pain still buried inside her. For a long while it was like that, two people   
needing to get as close to each other as they could. They held each other   
like that for so long Usagi hazily wondered if they'd ever be able to come apart   
again.  
  
But then...it changed. Suddenly the tension sizzled out and the air grew   
softer. Now he did not bruise her; he held her as if she might break. Usagi   
saw some--not all--of the pain and loneliness fade from his eyes, but one night,  
no matter how special, could not undo years of hurt. Now she sensed the deep   
ravine of anguish, warped and tortured and almost forgotten in some long-forsaken   
corner of his heart. She saw what she would not have seen even weeks ago, before   
he spoke the words that broke her heart and shattered her spirit.  
  
Much later, when she fell back asleep, safe and warm in his arms, she   
dreamed he really had jumped off the bridge. When she awakened early in the   
morning, him still holding her, she shook with fear and tears ran down her   
cheeks at a rapid pace. By the time she fell back asleep, however, the memory   
of the dream had faded from her mind.  
  
*********  
  
"Finally!" Ami had never been so excited in her life. "Fini, finis,   
finito! I got my computer back online!"  
  
Ami realized that Rei was reading a manga, paying absolutely no attention   
to her fabulous accomplishment. No one else was around.  
  
Rei looked up, saw Ami, and couldn't help but grin.  
  
"Where's minna-chan?" Ami asked uncertainly.  
  
Rei's snorted. "Minna went home, Ami-chan. I didn't realize you were   
still here."  
  
"Have I been working that hard?"  
  
"Apparently." Rei snickered. "Good morning, sunshine. It's 8:30 AM."  
  
*********  
  
Usagi was convinced she had imagined last night. It wasn't possible to be   
this happy, this complete inside. This didn't happen anywhere but in books.  
  
But when she woke up, there he was, laying beside her. For a while, she   
just lay there, listening to the soft sound of his breathing. When he finally   
awakened, his eyes didn't have quite the haunted look of the night before, they   
were happy; light and shining with life anew. Clearly last night had done   
wonders for him, too. Still...they were poignant, and Usagi couldn't help but   
wonder if the sadness was something she had simply never noticed before.  
  
"Konnichiwa, Usako." He kissed her nose playfully.  
  
"Well good morning to you, too, Mamo-chan. Sleep well?"  
  
"Better than I ever have." Mamoru slipped out of the bed, quickly pecked   
her forehead, and began to dress in the clothing Usagi had given him last night.   
Usagi suddenly realized she was naked and, blushing, pulled a blanket around her.  
  
Mamoru grinned at her modesty. "You know, there's nothing there I haven't   
seen."  
  
Usagi blushed even harder.  
  
"Although..." He pulled her back down, giving into an overwhelming desire   
to make love to her again, "it's not like I would mind seeing it again..."  
  
*********  
  
When they did finally get out of the house (it took more than one try),   
Mamoru kept one hand tightly entwined with hers. Usagi stuck close to him. He   
bent down occasionally, whispering things to her. She shivered each time she   
heard his deep voice in her ear. Usagi kept her other hand clasped on their two   
hands, enjoying the nice day, glimmering with water from the night's downpour   
but warm and incredibly bright, and the walk to the Hikawa Jinja.  
  
Usagi and Mamoru immediately went into the sitting room. Ami was sleeping   
on a futon, still clutching her computer, and Rei was reading.  
  
"What happened to her?" Mamoru asked, eyeing the sleeping blue-haired   
girl.  
  
"Ryo-kun..." Ami mumbled suddenly. Rei's eyes widened as Ami wrapped her   
arms around a pillow. "Ryo-kun, kiss me..." She was making out with her pillow   
rather feverishly.  
  
Usagi and Rei took one look at each other and started screaming with   
laughter. Ami did not wake up. On the contrary, she grew a little more, er,   
amorous. Neither of them could stop laughing.  
  
Minako walked in to find Ami making out with her pillow, Rei and Usagi   
rolling on the floor, and Mamoru looked a little perplexed.  
  
"God, Ami-chan! I didn't realize you were so desperate to get into Ryo-  
kun's pants!"  
  
Usagi and Rei simultaneously bounded up and slapped Minako on opposite   
sides of the head. "Minako-chan no hentai!"  
  
"Ack! Sorry, minna-chan. You two look exactly alike when you do that..."  
  
Oops.  
  
"I do NOT look like an Odango Atama!"  
  
"YOU'RE insulted? How dare you compare me to that bratty priestess!"  
  
"At least I'm not clumsy!"  
  
"Yeah well..."  
  
"Or a ditz!"  
  
"I am NOT a ditz!"  
  
Rei and Usagi blew raspberries at each other while Minako rubbed her   
aching head. Mamoru chuckled in amusement. Fortunately Makoto, always the   
mediator, arrived with Luna and Artemis right about now. She promptly woke Ami   
up (who was blushing bright red, naturally), shut Usagi and Rei up, and magically   
produced a cold pack for Minako's head.  
  
With this all settled, Luna and Artemis were ready to start the meeting.   
Ami was ordered to stand to prevent her from falling asleep. It didn't work.   
She was then ordered to sing softly to herself with the hope she could then stay   
awake. Makoto snuck one of Rei's mangas and plopped on the futon. Rei and Minako   
were both on cushions.  
  
Usagi sat on Mamoru's lap.  
  
"Uh, Usagi-chan...what exactly happened last night in the garden?"   
Minako's eyes reflected her hunger for this exquisite piece of gossip. She   
warranted a slap upside the head from Rei, who was not overly thrilled to behold   
this sight.  
  
Mamoru's eyebrows rose in confusion. "What happened in the garden last   
night?" He looked at Usagi, clearly hurt.  
  
Usagi nestled deeper into Mamoru's embrace (the senshi watched avidly)   
and reassured him, "Nothing to worry about, Mamo-chan. In fact, that brings up   
what I wanted to talk about with you, minna. I think I know what happened to   
Mamo-chan during the battle."  
  
Seven pairs of eyes immediately darted to Usagi. "Why didn't you tell me   
you knew?" Mamoru asked suspiciously, staring at the little rabbit in his arms.  
  
"You never asked," Usagi replied sweetly, smacking him lightly. "Besides,   
I doubt you were thinking about that last night." The senshi's eyes gleamed   
with interest.  
  
Ami, who was trying to conceal the fact that she was as curious as the   
other senshi about the implications of Usagi's statement, asked, "What do you   
think happened, Usagi?"  
  
Usagi sighed. "Well, Mamo-chan was saying that after he woke up in the   
park yesterday morning--"  
  
"Wait a minute," Makoto interrupted, her tone sharp, "we saw you go home."   
She stood up and fumbled for her henshin stick.  
  
"That means..." Rei said, getting up to join Makoto.  
  
"VENUS STAR POWER--"  
  
Usagi threw her shoe at the trying-to-transform senshi, who fell to the   
ground in a graceless clump. Mamoru was transfixed.  
  
"Usako," he began gently, "was Minako just *naked*?"  
  
She smacked him, ready to fly into a jealous rage. "Hentai! Why were you   
looking?!"  
  
"Does this mean that when you henshin *you're*--"  
  
Another smack. "Don't go there, Chiba Mamoru."  
  
"Well I love you too--" he started sarcastically.  
  
"CAN WE GET BACK ON TOPIC, PEOPLE?!" Ami looked like she was ready to   
explode.  
  
"Someone didn't take her medication this morning," Minako chastised   
gently. "Tsk tsk, Ami-chan. Are we going to have to hire the nice men in white   
to take you away again?"  
  
You could see the steam come out of the blue-haired girl's ears. "Just go   
on," she hissed through clenched teeth.  
  
"No, minna-chan. This is Mamoru," Usagi insisted.  
  
"But so was the one last night," Rei protested. "You said so yourself."  
  
"What one last night?" Mamoru interjected.  
  
"He was Mamoru, too."  
  
"But you just said...wait, Usagi-chan, are you saying...?"  
  
"They're BOTH Mamoru-san?!" Minako screeched. "But HOW?!"  
  
"Usako...are you saying that I'm actually..."  
  
Usagi shrugged. "I don't know how, but I'm certain."  
  
"Let me get this straight," Makoto said slowly, "the person who we met   
with last night and the person sitting here right now are two different people,   
but they're both Mamoru-san?"  
  
"Exactly," Usagi affirmed.  
  
"How is this possible?" Luna asked, eyes widening as she inspected Mamoru.   
Mamoru felt a little uncomfortable under the scrutiny, and ran an agitated hand   
through his hair.  
  
"You couldn't have told me this earlier, Usako?"  
  
"Ami-chan," Usagi ignored Mamoru, "could you please run a scan on Mamo-  
chan?"  
  
"Wait a second, I don't think that's--"  
  
"Don't be silly, Mamo-chan. It's not like she's giving you an anal probe   
or something!" Usagi said cheerfully. The senshi hacked.  
  
"Uh, Usagi-chan, do you actually know what that is?" Ami asked gently.  
  
"No," she shrugged. "But it sounds bad."  
  
"I really don't..." Mamoru's nerves were completely shot, but he   
submitted to the scan without any more protest when he saw Usagi's face.  
  
Usagi, however, did not fail to note how panicked Mamoru looked while Ami   
was doing the scan. He looked truly terrified at the thought of the   
examination. What was bothering him so much? It was not an extraordinary   
request, considering the situation.  
  
Ami, who wasn't paying any attention to this interaction, finished soon   
enough, a grim look crossing her features. "Usagi-chan is right, minna-chan."  
  
"Well who would'a thunk it?" Rei snorted, but for once Usagi didn't take   
the bait.  
  
"May I continue?"  
  
The shrine was silent.  
  
"Usagi-chan is right, this is Mamoru-san. But it's not ALL of Mamoru-  
san."  
  
The senshi and two cats stared. "He, ah, looks complete to me," Luna said   
slowly.  
  
"What's he missing?" Makoto asked innocently.  
  
Minako smiled wickedly and received a swat on the head from Artemis.  
  
Ami, interpreting Minako's thoughts, replied, "Not THAT, ecchi.   
Physically there's no change. His psyche has been divided into two separate   
halves, and rematerialized into identical Mamorus, one of which is the Mamoru we   
see here now."  
  
"So then *other* part of Mamoru-san is..." Makoto prompted Ami.  
  
"The Mamoru that we met last night," Ami finished. "But the situation is   
a little more complicated than that. It seems the device the youma last night   
was carrying divided Mamoru-san into two very distinct halves. Has anyone in   
here heard of Nietzsche?"  
  
"Nee-chee?" The senshi all took turns trying to pronounce the name. Luna   
and Artemis sweatdropped.  
  
"He's a Russian philosopher," Ami continued, shifting into schoolteacher   
mode. "Fascinating character. Anyway, he is the purveyor of the Apollonian-  
Dionysian theory."  
  
"Which is...?" Makoto prompted Ami again.  
  
"The belief that the human psyche is divided into two separate parts: the   
Apollonian half, which controls rational thought, and the Dionysian half, which   
is desire, emotion, and impulse; and that these two halves are constantly   
fighting for control of the man."  
  
Luna cocked her head. "What does this have to do with Mamoru-san, Ami-  
chan?"  
  
"Whatever the youma hit Mamoru-san with, that's apparently what it did.   
The Mamoru-san we met last night, I assume, is the Apollonian Mamoru, rational,   
logical, controlled. His intelligence, his reasoning power, his *restraint*--  
all aspects of the day-to-day Mamoru we see."  
  
Mamoru seemed to consider this. "Well, the other me *did* go to school   
for me and blended in seamlessly yesterday..." He had to stop before he broke   
down again.  
  
"This Mamoru-san is the Dionysian Mamoru, Mamoru's selfish wants and   
needs. A side that we rarely see of Mamoru-san, because he keeps it under lock   
and key. Furthermore," Ami continued, voice softening, "a side of himself that's   
angry and somewhat depressed, but both emotions are suppressed in favor of   
continuing to allow his stronger half to function."  
  
"It must have been quite a shock to suddenly be forced to face himself,"   
Rei suggested quietly.  
  
"Exactly, Rei-chan. Mamoru-san has very little experience dealing with   
his emotions, which are a lot more intense than he allows himself to acknowledge.   
From my scan, it appears the Dionysian Mamoru didn't exactly succeed in sorting   
through those thoughts and feelings flawlessly, either. According to the   
information here, Mamoru-san suffered a minor nervous breakdown within the last   
24 hours."  
  
"MINOR?!" Mamoru completely forgot Usagi was in his lap when he bounded up,   
ready to blow. "THAT WAS *MINOR*?!" It sure as hell hadn't *felt* minor!  
  
"Definitely the 'Dionysian' Mamoru," Minako commented knowingly.  
  
Mamoru suddenly realized what he had done. Picking Usagi up from the   
futon she had crashed into, he quietly apologized for his actions. Usagi   
accepted the apology, and smiled for Mamoru, but the smile was sad and did not   
reach her eyes. When they sat back down, she quietly stroked his cheek, eyes   
never leaving his face.  
  
"Well, that's just a side point," Ami said, diffusing the situation. "The   
important thing is that it will be very easy to put them back together again.   
All Usagi-chan has to do is use the ginzuishou."  
  
Mamoru's eyes widened and his grip on Usagi tightened. "I'm not doing   
anything that may risk Usako's life," he said coldly, eyes beginning to take on   
the edge that had frightened Motoki so badly. Its effect quickly worked upon   
the four senshi and cats, all of who had quickly grown uncomfortable.  
  
"D-don't be dramatic, Mamoru-san," Ami said nervously. "The device uses   
tremendous amounts of energy to split Mamoru-san apart. Their natural state is   
to be as one. It will take very little effort on Usagi-chan's part to reunite   
the two Mamorus, about enough..." Ami punched some numbers into her computer,   
waited a moment, and turned very white, "...to kill Usagi-chan 6.78925 times   
over," she finished dismally.  
  
"No way!" Mamoru cried in pure, undiluted anger. "I'm not risking Usako   
for this!"  
  
The computer began to whirr and click, and the senshi all crowded around   
the screen. "Make that 11.821434812," Ami said quietly.  
  
"How the hell do you come up with numbers like that?" Minako asked,   
raising an eyebrow.  
  
"I was wondering the same thing myself," Makoto said. "Is it possible   
to kill someone .821...uh, 666...1234 times? I thought either you were dead   
or you were not dead."  
  
"Well it's important to remember that when you're killed, you've gained   
a very important part of your death," Minako replied.  
  
"Nani?" Ami asked, stunned.  
  
"Sugoi, Mina-chan...I think you've succeeded in making so little sense you   
drag logical reasoning out of the room and into the little black hole you call   
your intelligence.  
  
"Funny, Rei-chan. I'm laughing so hard my body is locked in a catatonic   
state so I don't really LOOK like I'm laughing."  
  
"Uh...Mina-chan, you put too much effort into your sarcasm."  
  
"Wasn't that misquoted in the first place?"  
  
"Some baka model said it." (Ai: actually, it was Brooke Shields.)  
  
"The amount of energy required must depend on Mamoru-san's willingness   
to reunite with his other self," Artemis said quietly, reviewing the data.   
"As long as both are willing to join together, then Usagi will have no problem   
rejoining the two Mamorus."  
  
"Then why was the value so high in the first place, smart one?" Luna   
snapped. "As of now, there is nothing standing in the way of their reunion   
except the lack of the other Mamoru-san's physical presence."  
  
"Maybe the other Mamoru is subconsciously rejecting this half,"   
Minako suggested carelessly, going back to studying her nails.  
  
All of the senshi looked at her. "Minako-chan," Rei said slowly, "I think   
that's the most intelligent thing I've ever heard you say."  
  
"Thanks a lot." Minako rolled her eyes.  
  
"No, I mean REALLY intelligent. Think about it, minna-chan: Mamoru-san   
spends his entire life trying to suppress his emotions, and they build up like a   
pressure cooker: all his fears, insecurities, and desires, which serve as a   
threat to the rational half of Mamoru. When they are split up, the stronger   
Mamoru is finally free of his insecurities and the emotional Mamoru has to face   
all of his suppressed emotions in one fell swoop," Rei finished triumphantly,   
not noticing the pained expression on said Mamoru's face. "And why would the   
stronger Mamoru want the weaker Mamoru back? In the last few days, the weaker   
Mamoru has garnered enough steam to be a real threat to that cool, controlled   
suit of armor for the first time in years."  
  
The look on Mamoru's face was enough to convince Usagi he'd heard enough.   
"Mamo-chan," she said softly, "would you wait outside for a moment? I need to   
talk to minna-chan in private."  
  
Mamoru nodded a little and got out of the room as quickly as possible.  
  
Once he was gone, Usagi's soft, sad expression melted into pure terror.   
"I'm so worried about him, minna-chan," Usagi whispered hoarsely. "He's not   
used to having to confront his emotions head-on...it's as if one of us suddenly   
lost our henshin in the middle of a youma battle. Exposed at the very moment   
he needs his power most. I'm worried something will happen to him before we   
reunite him with his other half."  
  
The other senshi gathered around Usagi, offering their sympathy. Luna   
jumped in her lap. "We'll find the other Mamoru and *make* him do this, Usagi-  
chan. They can't stay separate forever. It would destroy them both."  
  
"Why did the youma hit Mamoru-san with the bolt, anyways?" Rei asked.   
"What, exactly, was it trying to achieve?"  
  
"It wasn't aiming for Mamoru-san," Ami said quietly, "it was aiming for   
Usagi-chan. Mamoru-san was protecting Usagi-chan. I suspect the Dionysian   
Mamoru can't transform into Tuxedo Kamen, since his heart is driven by the   
need for Usagi-chan's love, whereas the Apollonian Mamoru is driven by the need   
to love her. That's the entire reason behind Mamoru-san's henshin. And that's   
why the Apollonian Mamoru continued to stay away from Usagi, as he explained to   
her last night, while the Dionysian Mamoru came to Usagi immediately. It was   
only when these two halves were separate was the Apollonian Mamoru able to think   
logically about the best way to protect Usagi-chan, without the Dionysian Mamoru   
compounding the issue. By the way, Usagi-chan, did you by any chance find out   
what Mamoru-san has been striving to protect you from?"  
  
"A recurring nightmare that warned him to stay away from me," Usagi   
answered quickly.  
  
Minako's jaw dropped. "He dumped you for a DREAM?! Oh, he's SO asking   
for it..."  
  
"He must really want a good ass-kicking," Makoto launched herself up,   
reading to deliver said ass-kicking when Rei grabbed the brown-haired senshi's   
legs and pulled her down. In her rage, Makoto began kicking and pounding on the   
floor like a two-year-old in the midst of a full-on temper tantrum, yelling   
choice words at her captor.  
  
"Not so fast, Mako-chan," Rei warned sharply, still pinning the Amazon   
down. "You have to think about this from Mamoru-san's perspective. Were his   
dreams about the Princess all that off?"  
  
Makoto was still struggling to escape the fiery priestess's grasp, but at   
least she stopped kicking.  
  
"And Mamoru-san has never really had any real love in his life, Usagi-  
chan. I doubt he was very secure in what you gave him. He probably *wanted* to   
believe the dreams, thereby giving himself an excuse to break up with you. That   
way, he never had to worry about you telling him you didn't love him!"  
  
Makoto stopped. "You should be a psychiatrist, Rei-chan."  
  
"Since when are you an expert on Mamo-chan?" Usagi asked suspiciously.  
  
"You think all of my psychic power is analyzing the Sacred Flames and   
reading tarot cards? Part of it is understanding human nature--and being a   
really good guesser."  
  
"So you're actually a fake," Minako teased.  
  
Rei glared hatefully at the blonde senshi. "I'd be pretty careful about   
what kind of accusations we make, Minako-chan. We don't want to find ourselves   
cursed now, do we?"  
  
"Uh...heh heh, sorry..."  
  
"Minna," Artemis groaned, "we don't have time for this."  
  
"Artemis is right," Luna added. "Usagi-chan, I want you to stay with   
Mamoru-san. Keep his mind occupied. Ami-chan, you and I will research a way to   
conserve Usagi-chan's energy when she performs to rejoining. The rest of you   
must henshin, find the other Mamoru-san, and bring him back to the Hikawa Jinja.   
I don't care if you have to knock him unconscious and drag him here--"  
  
"Good," Mako smiled sadistically.  
  
"Although please try to *reason* with him first!" Luna moaned. "I'm   
serious, minna-chan. If we don't act quickly, this could have very damaging   
psychological consequences for Mamoru-san. I don't think Usagi-chan wants a   
broken soulmate and I don't think any of you want to pay for his therapy!"  
  
The senshi all cringed and instinctively glanced at their purses. "I   
agree," Minako said, bounding up to stand on the table, thrusting her arm in the   
air in an over-dramatic gesture of agreement. "We need to act with great   
alacrity! For Usagi-chan and for my credit card!"  
  
"MINA!!!"  
  
*********  
  
"Well, Esmeraude-san?" That voice could freeze Hell. Esmeraude felt like   
she was going to be physically sick.   
  
"Yes, Demando-sama?"  
  
"I'm curious to know how your brilliant plan worked out," he said, voice   
thick with ennui.  
  
"Oh yeah, that..." Esmeraude giggled nervously and played with her fan.  
  
"At the moment, Esmeraude-san, you have the demeanor of a pre-pubescent   
seductress," Demando said coolly, clearly unimpressed. "Surely your plan didn't   
fail? Am I going to have to kill you? It's really too early in the morning to   
be killing people, and so very messy."  
  
"No! I mean, heh heh, of course not. There has been a minor setback, but   
Saffir-kun and I have already figured out a way to work around it. In fact,   
this should not only eliminate Sailormoon, but Tuxedo Kamen as well."  
  
"Is that so?" Demando lazily sloshed the blood-red liqueur in his glass   
and glanced indifferently at Esmeraude through his intense violet eyes. "See to   
it you don't disappoint, Esmeraude-san. If you fail," he brushed away a few   
strands of white hair, "I may be forced to do something about it. And when I do   
something, the result is usually not pleasant for the victim. Just look at   
Crystal Tokyo." And its magnificent Queen, he amended mentally.  
  
Esmeraude, who could tell Demando was thinking about Neo-Queen Selenity   
again, tried to hide her disgust as she bowed deeply and replied simply, "Hai,   
Demando-sama. I won't fail."  
  
As she marched away, an idea struck Esmeraude. No, she would not fail.   
There was too much at stake for that.  
  
"How did the meeting with the Prince go?" Saffir asked Esmeraude as she   
joined him in the hall.  
  
"Not well," she sighed. "I have an idea, though, as to how we may rectify   
this situation."  
  
"We? You got a mouse in your pocket?"  
  
"Very funny."  
  
"Anything in it for me?" Saffir grinned, looking very charming at that   
moment.  
  
"You mean are you going to get laid again?"  
  
"Well, yeah."  
  
Esmeraude gave this a split second of thought and replied, "Yeah, sure,   
what the hell. Let's just do it quick. I've got a masked man to kill and a   
facial at one."  
  
*********  
  
When Usagi finally walked out of the main room, she looked around for   
Mamoru, but did not see him immediately. Concerned, Usagi started searching the   
grounds for him.  
  
She found him sitting on the ground by a small koi pond, staring   
lethargically into the water. When his eyes focused upon his reflection, it was   
all he could do not to cry out. Usagi wanted to weep.  
  
"Mamo-chan?" She put a hand on his shoulder.  
  
"Depressing, isn't it?" His voice was harsh and bitter, and it scared   
Usagi a little. "Not even *I* want me."  
  
"Not even--?" In a flash, she comprehended the situation and knew how to   
rectify it. She sat down next to Mamoru and hugged him as hard as she could   
without cutting off his air supply.  
  
"That's not true, Mamo-chan," she said softly. "I'll ALWAYS want you, no   
matter what."  
  
Mamoru turned to face her, the terrible look still in his eyes. Only now   
did Usagi understand the sharp edge of his loneliness had taken permanent   
residence there, had always been there; it would be many, many years before the   
pain was eradicated. Why had she never seen it before? Was she, in her   
perpetual bliss, in her love of life, so blind to such emotions? Not anymore,   
Usagi realized. The weeks without him had changed her, too, and she was no   
longer so naïve as to think that everyone was as happy as she was. It made him   
easy to forgive.  
  
Still, he smiled at her, and the smile did reach his eyes...barely. "We   
need to get your mind off this whole mess, Mamo-chan," Usagi said quietly.   
"Come on back to my place. I think I know what we can do."  
  
Mamoru followed Usagi back to her home, noting her lively, chipper manner.   
She hadn't been so happy in a long while. He was still having a hard time   
believing he could bring her such joy, especially when he was still depressed.   
Despite that, a strange, foreign sense of contentment flowed into him, a product   
of basking in the glow of her presence. Mamoru did not know that he gave the   
same kind of strength to Usagi. His quiet, solid presence made up the core of   
her existence and was the one thing she could cling to when she felt she was   
drowning.  
  
When they reached her house, she fumbled in her pockets, searching for her   
key, when she remembered there was one in the fake rock next to the rosebush.   
She had put it there so it would be easy to remember. Entering, Usagi   
immediately bounded into the kitchen with more energy than she had had in weeks,   
months--perhaps her entire life. But while the ecstasy of true love was   
filling her with a wonderful warmth and sense of peace, it wasn't doing the   
same for Mamoru. She saw his downcast face and decided to do something about   
it.  
  
She headed straight to the refrigerator and started pulling things out--  
mostly sandwich fixings, some ramen she had cooked last night, and some of the   
rabbit-shaped cookies her mother had baked before she had left. Mamoru watched   
intently, brow furrowed.  
  
"Help me," she commanded gently, pulling him to her side. He raised an   
eyebrow. "I'm making us lunch," she explained, as if to a small child, "and   
since I am a disaster for kitchens everywhere and will probably end up burning   
our sandwich fixings or something, so you have to do it."  
  
He looked confused. "Usako, you can't burn anything unless you're   
planning to use fire."  
  
"I know that silly," she smiled. "But if anyone could do it, it'd be me."  
  
He cracked a smile, a real smile, at her flippant response. Slowly   
joining her, he made up several sandwiches, taking care to pack enough for   
Usagi's enormous stomach, while she packed drinks into the basket, dropping two   
on the floor. Then, of course, they had to clean up the floors. Mamoru asked   
her where they were going, but she shrugged and replied, "Nowhere special."  
  
Finally she packed a blanket and a couple of manga, which resulted in a   
sarcastic comment from Mamoru about Usagi not wanting to talk to her own lover.   
But he was kidding, and she stuck out her tongue and told him he could bring   
something, too--but pointed out her collection of shoujo manga would probably   
not interest him.  
  
While she got the last of their things together, Mamoru slipped into the   
study and picked one of her parents' books. He slid it into the bag so quickly   
Usagi did not think to ask him what it was.  
  
Usagi made him carry the basket; when he protested she told him he was the   
guy and guys should always be chivalrous. She pronounced the word incorrectly,   
which made him smile. Mamoru asked her where she learned the word 'chivalrous'.   
Usagi, sticking out her tongue, said she read it in a book Ami had lent her.   
When he inquired what book, she turned several shades of red and muttered   
something about Minako being a hentai.  
  
When they reached their destination, Ichinohashi Park, Usagi gently led   
him to a nice, secluded little spot it near the rose gardens. Mamoru recognized   
it immediately.  
  
"This is where...the attack..." His lips were dry; the words stuck in his   
throat.  
  
Usagi cringed and realized he was right. "Sorry," she said, "but I really   
like this little spot and...I imagined the two of us having a picnic here. I   
didn't think. We can go if you'd like."  
  
"It's all right," he said, gulping, "let's stay."  
  
But he was silent all through their lunch, despite Usagi's many attempts   
to lure him into a conversation. She knew he couldn't get his mind off the   
split. She was worried, and barely noticed the four full-sized sandwiches, bowl   
of ramen, two bunches of grapes, apple, and seven cookies she consumed, compared   
to Mamoru's couple of grapes and one bite of a sandwich.  
  
After a while, she gave up. Laying back, she cuddled up next to him,   
pulled out her manga, and began to read. After a moment, Mamoru did the same.  
  
They sat in silence for a while, Usagi voraciously tearing through the   
manga. She'd just stolen--er, borrowed--it from Rei last night. When she   
finally finished it, she realized Mamoru was asleep next to her, book open on   
his chest.  
  
Curious, she plucked the book from his chest very carefully. His sleep   
had been restless last night, and she wanted him to get some rest. So, she   
picked up the book and began to read.  
  
It was poetry. An American author named Sylvia Plath*. The book was laid   
out nicely, with the original English text on one side and Japanese kanji   
on the other. Her mind floated back to the 'conversation' she'd had with   
Shinji-sempai the day before.  
  
He stirred just then, and, opening his eyes, saw her with his book.   
"Curious, aren't we?" he said, pulling one of her pigtails lightly.  
  
She gave him a look, warning him that being her one true love did not mean   
he had permission to pull her pigtails. He backed down under her icy glare.  
  
"These are nice, Mamo-chan," she said, gesturing to the anthology.  
  
"Aren't they? I just grabbed a book off your parents' shelves and started   
reading. It turned out well for me."  
  
Usagi wrinkled her nose in amusement and started to read aloud:   
"Here are two pupils  
whose moons of black  
transform to cripples  
all who look:  
  
each lovely lady  
who peers inside  
takes on the body  
of a toad.  
  
Within these mirrors  
the world inverts:  
the fond admirer's  
burning darts  
  
turn back to injure  
the thrusting hand  
and inflame to danger  
the scarlet wound."  
  
She looked up at Mamoru, who appeared not to be listening at first   
glance. But there was a tenseness about him that indicated otherwise.  
  
"Go on," he said slowly, voice raspy. She obliged:  
"I sought my image  
in the scorching glass,  
for what fire could damage  
a witch's face?"  
  
Usagi stopped and contemplated the words for a moment. Mamoru was   
frighteningly still. "Is that it?" he asked harshly.  
  
That wasn't it. She read the last stanza and a small smile formed on   
her lips.  
"So I stared in that furnace  
where beauties char  
but found radiant Venus  
reflected there."  
  
She smiled and closed the volume, handing it back to him. He took it   
wordlessly, no longer as tense as before. But he was still agitated, and try as   
she might, Usagi could not think of a way to distract him. Well, one came to   
her mind, but there were children in the vicinity.  
  
So, she reasoned, her best bet was to face the truth.  
  
"I can tell this is killing you inside," Usagi started slowly. Mamoru   
looked up from the bowl of ramen he had started eating but said nothing. "I   
don't think I could deal with being split into two halves like this. I think   
at least one of me would fall apart." She laughed cynically when she noticed   
Mamoru's eyes on her. It was a strange sound from her, forced and natural all   
at once. "Or maybe both of me, I don't know. Still...I wish you hadn't saved   
me that night. Because then you wouldn't have to go through this."  
  
Mamoru clearly disagreed with her, but remained quiet.  
  
"On the other hand..." Usagi continued.  
  
"No," Mamoru whispered fiercely, practically reading her mind.  
  
"Oh, but haven't you even thought of it, Mamo-chan?" Usagi whispered   
through a fine veil of tears. "You could have the Usagi that was Princess   
Selenity, who is always strong and graceful and confident. No more bad test   
scores, no more having two left feet, no more immature whining and crying..."   
Tears fell from her eyes. "I'd be everything you fell in love with on the Moon   
without everything that got lumped into the present-day package." She choked   
back a sob, not realizing until now, when she spoke the words aloud, how deeply   
her insecurity really ran.  
  
"Usako..." Mamoru took her in his arms. "I don't think you understand   
something. I like you tripping into my arms. I don't think I'd recognize a   
Tsukino Usagi who wasn't hopelessly naïve. Or who didn't cry at the drop of a   
hat...and I certainly wouldn't be in love with her." Mamoru's gaze was steady   
and clear, and Usagi found comfort in the conviction his voice held.   
"Everything you are, Tsukino Usagi, just...is. Your energy, your light, your   
heart...if you had gone through this, your stronger side wouldn't have any of   
this. I'd rather have a faulty-but-whole Usagi than an incomplete-but-improved   
one."  
  
"Mamo-chan..." Maybe this split-in-two thing wasn't so bad after all.   
Normally Mamoru would have never said that to her. It was strange, Usagi   
thought, that this Mamoru, the 'weak' Mamoru, the cowardly, insecure Mamoru, was   
the one with the courage to say what was in his heart, while the other still   
walked on tiptoes around her.  
  
She lay in his arms a while longer, neither saying anything, before   
finally reluctantly getting back up to pack up the food. The sky seemed a bit   
grayer, as if the sunny day were about to betray itself.  
  
Or perhaps was just the storm clouds forming around the Chiba Mamoru   
that was staring at the couple from 50 feet away.  
  
*********  
  
First shock. Then horror. Then anger. And more anger. And a little   
more horror. And some shock. And while he was at it, a big heaping pile o'   
anger on top of that.  
  
Well, this certainly confirmed the theory that he'd been cloned. Mamoru   
clenched his fists in fury. How dare that, that COPY touch Usagi! Was this the   
danger that had been prophesized in his dream? Pretty grim twist, he added   
to himself, that her naturally trusting heart was to be her death. Made a   
little too much sense.  
  
Well, there was only one thing to do about it.  
  
"Usa!"  
  
Usagi looked up to see the rational Mamoru glaring at the emotional   
Mamoru, who now had a vice-like grip on her. Looking at him, she could see the   
panic on his face. He wasn't ready to face himself yet, Usagi realized dourly.   
She'd just have to stall the other Mamoru.  
  
After a lot of coaxing, she managed to get her Mamoru to release his hold   
on him, assuring him there was no danger here. After all, why would Mamoru--  
any Mamoru--hurt her? He wasn't convinced, but she wasn't backing down, so he   
reluctantly let her go, never taking his eyes off her for fear he would lock   
eyes with his other-'stronger'--half.  
  
The other Mamoru quickly led Usagi away from the picnic area, where he   
could talk to her privately. By this time, he was fuming. Esmeraude was going   
to get a very angry Prince of Earth ready to take his revenge for using him in   
this little stunt.  
  
Usagi, however, could not read the stone-cold Mamoru she now faced, and   
naively proclaimed her excitement in finding the other half of her beloved.   
"Mamo-chan!" she squeaked excitedly. "I'm so glad I found you--"  
  
"I told you to be careful, Usa," Mamoru said icily. "Your actions   
certainly do not show any caution."  
  
Usagi cocked her odango-ed head in confusion. "You're being silly, Mamo-  
chan. Now come on, we need to go back to the Hikawa Jinja and--"  
  
"Then why are you with that doppelganger?!"  
  
"What's a doppelganger?" Usagi asked innocently.  
  
"That clone! Usa, I warned you last night..."  
  
"Clone...oh! I forgot! Well, you see, he's not really a--"  
  
"Didn't I tell you to be careful? He's just trying to fool you into   
believing he's me so he can take you back to Esmeraude!"  
  
"Mamo-chan--"  
  
"Please, come with me, Usa. I don't wish to see you sacrificed to the   
Black Moon!"  
  
Okay, THIS had to stop. Usagi realized it was time for a major ego-  
deflate. "You don't WISH it?! What, does the entire Universe revolve around   
you now?"  
  
Mamoru stopped and evaluated the angry glint in Usagi's eye. "I didn't   
mean--" he began, but was cut off.  
  
"Didn't mean what, Mamoru? I'm a big girl, and I don't need your high-  
and-mighty attitude! I may be younger than you, and not very smart, but I know   
what I want. And so what if he's a clone? If the real one is like this, I'll   
make do with the copy!" Usagi yelled, her face bright red. Before Mamoru could   
protest agaun, she stormed away.  
  
"Fine then!" Mamoru called out as she ran off. "Your folly will bring   
about your own demise, Tsukino Usagi!" He walked off, more worked up than he   
had ever been in his life.  
  
It did not matter that this Mamoru was supposed to be the voice of ration,   
though jealousy was eating him alive. It did not matter that it was the   
emotional Mamoru who now comforted the sobbing Usagi, found the strength to calm   
her, was the rock she leaned upon. After hearing what had happened, this Mamoru   
finally knew why the security guard had told him he was not Mamoru. He had let   
ration and logic rule for so long, the emotional Mamoru really *was* a   
completely different person, one who had virtually nothing in common with the   
Mamoru the world saw. They were two completely different people, forced to live   
in one skin, with nothing to left to bind them together.  
  
Except love. Love transcends both reason and need. The only thing that   
still linked Apollo and Dionysus was that both loved Tsukino Usagi more than   
life itself.  
  
*********  
  
"Love Goddess to Green Lighting."  
  
"This is Green Lightning. What up, Love Goddess?"  
  
"Have you seen Mamoru-san?"  
  
"Noooo...wouldn't I have called you if I had?"  
  
"Well..."  
  
"Don't finish that statement."  
  
"Yes, Master."  
  
"You think you're funny, but you're not."  
  
"On the contrary, I'm cracking myself up quite thoroughly. Ha ha! Ha   
ha!"  
  
"Stop goading her, Mina-chan." That was Artemis.  
  
"I ain't laughing..."  
  
"You better not be, or I'll tear that bow out of your hair and stuff it up   
your--"  
  
"Minna-chan? Is that you?"  
  
"Ice Storm?"  
  
"Green Lightning, Love Goddess, Flamethrower...are you there?"  
  
"Ice Storm?" Mars this time.  
  
"Any luck?"  
  
"Nope."  
  
"Nope."  
  
"I did get this really hot guy's phone number...he said he always wanted to   
date a Sailor Senshi."  
  
"Heaven help us," Luna muttered from the Hikawa Jinja, sweatdropping.  
  
"Just kidding!"  
  
"YOU BETTER BE!"  
  
"Ha ha! Ha ha!"  
  
"You think you're funny, but you're REALLY not."  
  
"CAN WE GET BACK ON TOPIC?!"  
  
"Gomen."  
  
"Gomen."  
  
"Gomen."  
  
"You three have the combined attention span of a flea!" Ami groaned.   
"Seriously, minna-chan, meet me at the corner of 10th and 38th. Got that?"  
  
"Loud and clear. See you there."  
  
*********  
  
"So let me get this straight, Mercury-chan," Jupiter said slowly. "If one   
Mamoru is wounded...?"  
  
"The other will be wounded in exactly the same way. Don't you see, minna-  
chan? Esmeraude was planning to separate Usagi-chan into two halves and kill   
the half that could no longer defend herself. Fortunately, Mamoru-san stopped   
that from happening, but...I'm almost certain Esmeraude will try to kill his   
weaker half. If Mamoru-san died, it would destroy Usagi-chan. We have to get   
those two reunited ASAP."  
  
"Usagi-chan is with that Mamoru," Artemis protested. "Why the urgency   
now, Ami-chan?"  
  
"The more time they spend apart, the weaker the bond between the two.   
Eventually, it will get to a point where they *won't* be able to rejoin without   
the kind of power that would kill Usagi-chan. I think the Apollonian Mamoru-san   
could survive on his own, though I shudder at the consequences--without his   
other half, he essentially has no conscience--but the Dionysian Mamoru   
definitely can't. He's too unstable. And, no matter what, they're still the   
same person. If one goes, so will the other." Mercury sighed. "You haven't   
had much luck finding him while split up. I say we go together. Rei-chan and I   
will be able to track him down, and then we can convince him to come with us.   
And if he resists, well...Venus-chan can hog-tie him with her love-me chain and   
Jupiter-chan will carry him back to the Hikawa Jinja."  
  
The senshi snickered. "One thing, Mercury-chan," Jupiter said wickedly.  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"If we do have to hog-tie him, can we take a picture? I mean, sometimes   
the guy needs to be brought down a few notches, and there's no better way than   
good old-fashioned blackmail."  
  
Mercury sweatdropped. Then she sweatdropped again because even the cats   
considered Jupiter's idea.  
  
*********  
  
He was still rampaging in fury when he felt a tap on his shoulder.  
  
When he turned around, Mamoru was face-to-face with four VERY angry senshi   
and two cats.  
  
"Hiya, Super-boy," Venus said cheerfully. "We've been looking for you."  
  
"Which one is he?" Jupiter asked.  
  
"Would somebody please explain to me why the four of you are parading   
around in your fukus in broad daylight?!"  
  
"That would be the Apollonian Mamoru," Luna said dryly. "Listen, Mamoru-  
san, we need to talk."  
  
"I agree," Mamoru snapped. "First, about this shameless lack of regard   
for security. And then, about how Usa is--"  
  
"With Mamoru-san, we know," Mars said sharply.  
  
"No, she's not. She's with the clone and--"  
  
"Mamoru-san," Venus groaned, "the man you saw is no more a clone than you   
are. That device didn't copy you, it divided you into two separate people."  
  
"That's preposterous!"  
  
"Calm, Mako-chan," Jupiter muttered through clenched teeth, clearly not   
over-thrilled with this Mamoru's thick-headedness. "Find your happy   
place...yes, where the sun is always shining and birds sing and everything   
is gay..."  
  
Venus snickered and Jupiter glared.  
  
"You said it, not me," Venus said, still snickering.  
  
"Whatever," Mars groaned, rolling her eyes. "The important thing, Mamoru-  
san, is that you've been divided into your rational side and your emotional   
side. And we need to get them reunited quick. Now, if you'll just accompany us   
to the shrine..."  
  
"Wait a second...I'd like to understand..."  
  
"You've become two currencies, Mamoru-san!"  
  
The senshi stared. "What are you saying, Venus-chan?"  
  
She groaned as if *they* were the unintelligible ones. "Well, you're two   
coins, and now one of the coins has become...a penny! Yeah, that's it, a penny!   
Now you're a 100-yen piece and a penny!"  
  
"Venus-chan, what in the hell are talking about?" Jupiter asked, clearly   
bewildered.  
  
"You know, that expression, 'two whole different coins...'"  
  
"That's two sides of the *same* coin, Venus-chan! Where do you learn   
these cracked expressions?!" Mars shrieked at her.  
  
"Hee hee...well, I don't really know..."  
  
"Oh, to hell with it!" Mercury yelled suddenly. "You're up, Jupiter-  
chan."  
  
Mamoru had no time to react before he felt something collide with his   
head. Everything went black.  
  
*********  
  
"Usako...what's making you so angry?"  
  
"I HATE YOU!!!" Usagi screamed into Mamoru's shirt, sobbing all the   
while. Then, realizing what she had said, corrected, "I mean, I HATE *HIM*!!!"  
  
"I'm confused," Mamoru groaned. He could feel a headache coming on.  
  
Usagi stopped and looked up at Mamoru. "Why can't you always be this   
sweet?" she sighed. "It's that blasted logical side of you...I don't think I'm   
going to like it when you two have to go back together." She noticed Mamoru's   
face contort. "What's wrong?"  
  
"It's just..."  
  
Usagi raised an eyebrow. "You're upset about me insulting your other   
self?"  
  
"I wouldn't have survived all these years without that exterior, Usako. I   
can't just toss it away because I don't need it any longer."  
  
Usagi looked down shamefully. "You'd rather be reunited with your other   
self."  
  
"I can't survive forever separated from him, Usako. He's my confidence,   
my intelligence, my...armor, I guess." Mamoru sighed and leaned back. "Part of   
me wishes I could get on without him, but...I can't. I'll die."  
  
She finally dared to look at his face. The sadness and regret in his eyes   
was something she had seen before, long before this entire mess had started. It   
would always be there.  
  
"It's okay, Mamo-chan...I understand." When they were reunited, Usagi   
decided, she would never begrudge Mamoru the fact he could not express himself   
openly. But that didn't mean she wouldn't try to wear down that hard exterior.  
  
The sun was back, warming her, and Usagi felt relaxed and very drowsy.   
Before she knew it, she had fallen headfirst into the realm of sleep.  
  
Seeing her, Mamoru couldn't bear to wake the little golden angel in his   
arms. He too allowed himself to drift.  
  
*********  
  
There was something--or someone--out in the distance. Tuxedo Kamen   
began to run furiously after the shadowy figure in the distance, sensing a threat.  
  
"Who's there?" he barked, ready to pounce. "Show yourself!"  
  
His ears were promptly tortured with the most horrible sound known to man--  
Esmeraude's laugh. Tuxedo Kamen covered his ears and tried to pretend that the   
torturous noise wasn't *thisclose* to driving him insane.  
  
The terrible screeches stopped abruptly as the woman spotted Tuxedo Kamen.   
"You're being foolish, Chiba Mamoru."  
  
"How do you know my--?" Tuxedo Kamen drew out a rose and prepared to   
strike it straight through Esmeraude's heart.  
  
"I'm here, right? Look, little boy, don't look a gift horse in the mouth.   
I'm here to help you."  
  
"HELP ME?! According to the senshi, you're the reason I've been divided   
in half!"  
  
"Tsk tsk. You're right, though, I *did* invent the machine that split you   
in two--" Saffir hadn't had enough time to get a patent, Esmeraude thought   
wickedly, "--but who says that's really a bad thing?"  
  
Tuxedo Kamen dropped the rose aimed at Esmeraude. "I don't understand."  
  
She smiled slyly. "Think about it: you're free of all your fears,   
weaknesses, and insecurities. Nothing but ration, logic, strength."  
  
For the first time, the intense hatred burning in his eyes flickered   
while he processed this.  
  
Esmeraude landed gently on the gaseous "floor" to approach him. She took   
a few steps forward, and the rose was re-aimed to adjust for this improvement in   
target. Noticing this, she knew her best option was to continue. Back down   
now, and she was sushi.  
  
"Do you want to go back to carrying that burden?" she asked in a hushed,   
insistent voice, looking almost earnest. Almost. The rose went down.  
  
That *was* a good point. And a very strong temptation. Still...what the   
senshi had said...the rose rose again.  
  
"Here and now, Chiba Mamoru, I can see how deep the hurt ran after you   
lost your parents--and now you no longer have to worry about it. I think you   
got a pretty good deal out of this."  
  
Tuxedo Kamen stopped to consider this. He was being tricked, and he knew   
it, and still he couldn't resist this trap. Imagine--the unbearably heavy   
burden he'd carried for the last twelve years--finally laid to rest. Where it   
couldn't hurt him anymore.  
  
And where it couldn't hurt anyone else...  
  
He was weakening. She practically could smell it. Esmeraude approached   
Tuxedo Kamen from behind and slinked an arm around his wrist.  
  
Big mistake. Tuxedo Kamen grabbed her wrist and promptly flipped her to   
the ground, snarling like an animal. Fortunately, she'd expected this, and was   
not at all shocked. In fact, she smiled up at him, slowly standing back up.  
  
"As long as your other half exists, you'll never be free of your weakness.   
You have to destroy him," she whispered in his ear. This time, he did not stop   
her.  
  
"Will you let him live, and hold you prisoner? Free yourself. Become   
invincible."  
  
The rose came back up. This was definitely a trap. Tuxedo Kamen would   
not be tricked by honeyed promises of power.  
  
Esmeraude, knowing she could be flambéed within nanoseconds, had to change   
arguments. She needed an idea. Fast. And, by the grace of someone, she got   
one. Hastily, she began, "That weakness is the reason you've been such a   
failure at protecting Sailormoon."  
  
She had him. He hadn't reacted yet, but she could *feel* his entire   
demeanor change.  
  
"Look how your other half puts her in danger, staying with her despite the   
warnings from your dreams to stay away!" she hissed fiercely, driving the point   
home in a way not even she fully comprehended.  
  
He gasped in realization. Esmeraude took the opportunity to pluck the   
mask and hat from his face and look straight into his eyes. Tuxedo Kamen   
flinched, but did nothing. She turned away.  
  
"He's weak," she whispered, taunting him. Then, she turned around, and   
faced him directly, straight into his eyes. "His need makes him rationalize the   
threat to her life."  
  
For the first time, he looked down, shoulders hunched down. She tilted   
his face back up towards hers.  
  
"And he's part of you."  
  
The rose fell to the ground and wilted. No other statement could hit with   
such accuracy, could so utterly seal his fate.  
  
She wrapped her arms around him, entangling him in her web. He fell   
headfirst into it, eyes displaying none of the strength this Mamoru allegedly   
possessed.  
  
Esmeraude smiled in the darkness.  
  
*********  
  
He was vaguely aware of the sensation of being carried.  
  
Mamoru blanched. No, it couldn't possibly be...he was only imagining the   
cold links wrapped around him...  
  
But when he opened his eyes, he was greeted by Jupiter's, cheerful because   
she finally got to release a little of the tension she'd carried for the past   
weeks on her intended target. Very addicting sensation.   
  
Jupiter was carrying him.   
  
And Venus was taking pictures.  
  
"What the hell do you think you're doing?!" he growled at the golden   
senshi whose heart-linked chain was wrapped around him.  
  
"Birthday gift for Usagi-chan," she replied automatically waving the   
camera tauntingly in his face. "We plan to have Mercury-chan do some photo   
editing."  
  
"Minako-chan, you're a hentai!" Mars cried in horror.  
  
"Yeah, but you'll be the first to order extras when I get these   
developed." Mars turned red.  
  
"Over my dead body," Mamoru hissed semi-menacingly from his place in   
Jupiter's arms.  
  
"That can be arranged," Jupiter replied sweetly, groaning all the while   
under the strain of carrying a full-grown man. "God, you're heavy. I think you   
need to hit the treadmill once we get you fixed up, Mamoru-san." The other senshi   
giggled.  
  
"Very funny," he snapped. "Now please let me go."  
  
"Are you kidding me? You'll kick my ass."  
  
"You know, I have to admit I'm pretty impressed with the fact you can   
carry a full-grown man, Jupiter-chan...maybe you should stop trying to bully the   
one holding all the cards, Mamoru-san," Venus pointed out innocently.  
  
"Coward," Mamoru jeered angrily.  
  
"But I'm alive, aren't I? Besides, Tuxie, you ain't goin' nowhere."  
  
"It's 'you aren't--" Mercury began.  
  
"Not right now, Mercury-chan. We don't have time for a grammar lesson,"   
Artemis sighed. "You are all hopeless."  
  
"We know," Venus said gleefully.  
  
"God in heaven," Luna prayed, "please help me to understand why the fate of   
this planet resides on these four."  
  
"WILL YOU LET ME DOWN?!"  
  
"Haven't we already explained the situation?!" Mars hissed. "We can't   
afford to have you running off. Usagi-chan needs to reunite you with your other   
self."  
  
That was it. At the mention of the rejoining Mamoru found it was little   
effort to feed his power into the links of the love-me chain, checking for   
fragile links, searching methodically for points of weakness he could exploit.   
When he found one, without even having to try he forced his life energies into   
the shimmering chains, snapping them in the points he had mentally detected.   
They shattered in a cacophony of metal and energy and angry senshi.  
  
A very shocked Jupiter dropped the man, staring in utter disbelief. He   
became Tuxedo Kamen within a moment and went off immediately looking for his   
prey, .  
  
*********  
  
It was lonely here...Mamoru sensed he was deep within himself, but how he   
had come to be here was beyond him. He hated this place, the reminder that he   
was always alone, that there would never be anyone that could penetrate this.   
  
The darkness was so thick and black he could almost reach out and touch   
it, and did try, hoping there would be something there.  
  
There wasn't, of course.  
  
"Such despair, Tuxedo Kamen."  
  
Mamoru turned around to see the demon-goddess figure of Esmeraude floating   
above him, toying with her fan. He could see her perfectly, despite the lack of   
light. She was illuminated by the shadows.  
  
Touching down, she took Mamoru's head in her hands. Unlike Tuxedo Kamen,   
he did not try to shake her off.  
  
She stood eye-to-eye with him, thanks in part to the stiletto heels of her   
boots.  
  
"I would've never expected it from you," she lied, smiling almost as if   
she pitied him. Esmeraude would have died a thousand deaths before she admitted   
that she did. Something akin to pity crept into her black heart, and for the   
first time she wondered if she hadn't crossed the very fine line between   
completing the mission and ruthless sadism. Within moments, however, the   
sensation faded, and she was her usual bitchy self.  
  
"I'm not Tuxedo Kamen," he said dully. "I'm just..."  
  
"I know," Esmeraude said, sliding up against him. Mamoru backed away.  
  
"Silly boy," she laughed softly, not at all her usual torturous sound, "I   
*know* you. You're pitifully weak, Tuxedo Kamen. Frankly, I'm surprised you've   
lasted this long in the real world."  
  
Mamoru hung his head.  
  
"Much less by the side of Tsukino Usagi..."  
  
His eyes flared and his body became taut. "Don't say another word." He   
grabbed her hands and threw her to the ground with all his strength.   
  
This she hadn't expected, and it hurt like hell. Time to try a new   
strategy...  
  
...the same one she used on Tuxedo Kamen.  
  
"Ah yes, your light, your source of strength," Esmeraude conceded from her   
spot on the floor. "Who you'll lose soon enough."  
  
"That's not true..." he protested weakly, trying to make himself   
believe the words coming out of his own mouth.  
  
"Correction: as soon as you're reunited with your other self, you'll go   
back to being the arrogant bastard you always were. And she'll leave, knowing   
she can do so much better than a man who is nothing but a shadow of her true   
Prince."  
  
Tears sprang to his eyes, but he turned around, not allowing Esmeraude to   
see them.  
  
Too late. She'd seen them glint slightly as he'd turned away. Perhaps,   
Esmeraude wondered, this place wasn't as dim as she--or Mamoru--believed. It   
was a reason to be concerned. This plan depended on that darkness.  
  
"Once you become whole again," Esmeraude continued, gaining steam, "you'll   
just go back to being an empty shell. Only now are you free and able to see   
things clearly. Listen well to me, Tuxedo Kamen. Destroy your other half   
before he destroys you."  
  
"I can't!" he screamed, voice hoarse and frantic.   
  
What was she doing to him? Esmeraude had never tried psychological   
torture on a victim before. It was very different from the standard beat-them-  
till-they-fall-to-their-knees technique she practiced. She was beginning to   
realize she could really mess the kid up in ways that death couldn't touch.  
  
This was fun!   
  
"Coward," she hissed, taunting him and playing it up more.   
  
She could sense his accord, and Esmeraude reveled in the power she   
exhibited over Mamoru. She felt like a voyeur.  
  
"You wouldn't have committed suicide last night, either. You're too   
spineless to actually kill yourself!"  
  
"I..."  
  
"Take your destiny in your own hands. Does it hurt to live this way?"  
  
He nodded slightly.  
  
Wouldn't it hurt more to lose Usagi? If you allow yourself to rejoin with   
your other half, you will."  
  
"No..." he whispered, trying to object but failing miserably. When he   
tried again, no sound came out.  
  
"And your other half would actually have enough balls to carry through   
with such an act."  
  
Mamoru choked back a sob. "Usako wouldn't...she'd never..."  
  
"Keep telling yourself that. While you're at it, wish for a billion yen   
and a Ferrari," Esmeraude hissed, her voice vitriolic and her words worse.  
  
Mamoru was eerily still, his only movement the tears running down his   
face. When she tried to wipe one off of his cheek, he pushed away so hard she   
fell again, something she did NOT think would happen. By now, he should have   
been too indoctrinated into her little brainwashing feat to resist her.  
  
He turned away and collapsed, sobbing softly but still resistant. As long   
as a scrap of his will remained, Esmeraude realized, he was still untouchable.   
This was difficult enough with the vast amounts of negative energy pluming   
through his system and pure emotional exhaustion to bring him down, and   
Esmeraude wondered idly if this feat would have even been possible with his   
whole self.  
  
Still, she there was only one conclusion she could draw: that torturing   
him wasn't working quite as she wanted. Mamoru was far stronger than she   
expected. Made sense, she reasoned cynically, when you lived in darkness and   
were unable to climb into light. Within this environment, you became   
strong...did you?  
  
New plan: she'd studied the chapter in Genesis where Eve gave Adam the   
apple. It was something she frequently executed in real, tangible life but had   
never tried in this unique approach. Ah, well, most of what she was doing was a   
crapshoot anyways.  
  
Whispering softly, she began again, "Think about it: you could have Usagi   
all to yourself, wouldn't have to deal with your rational side telling you when   
you were acting out of character."  
  
He stopped and was still, the realization coming upon him in a frighteningly   
similar fashion as it had come on his other half.  
  
"You'd be free to just...feel. You'd never be lonely again, Tuxedo Kamen.   
Wouldn't you like that?"  
  
Turning around, he nodded slightly, eyes frightening Esmeraude. How was   
it possible one person could carry that within himself? A loneliness and agony   
of that intensity...but she did not speak aloud, simply speculated darkly in the   
back of her mind. It was something she had never experienced before, a   
companion to the odd, heavy feeling of guilt she was currently trying to   
suppress.  
  
Guilt.  
  
Such a nasty word.   
  
Time to be done with this.  
  
"Unless you destroy your other half, that will never happen."  
  
"Do you really think so?" he whispered hesitantly, eyes uncertain.  
  
"I know it," she whispered, cupping his face with her hands.  
  
Esmeraude took one look in his eyes and knew her plan would work   
perfectly.  
  
*********  
  
"Mamo-chan?"  
  
He was next aware of the small girl laying in his arms, looking up at him   
with sleepy but concerned cerulean eyes. "Are you all right?"  
  
Mamoru was suddenly aware of the fact he was trembling. Remembering the   
dream only made his shaking worse. "No, Usako...I'm not all right."  
  
"What's wrong?" Usagi felt panic rise within her but kept her cool.   
"Please, Mamo-chan...tell me."  
  
He looked down at her...soft, sweet, absolutely perfect. Meant to love   
and be loved, especially by him--by only him, he thought, a wave of possession   
flowing through his veins. He wouldn't allow his little rabbit to fall victim   
to his 'strong' self, who he was beginning to wonder wasn't actually a weakness   
in of himself.  
  
"There's something I have to go do," he said gruffly. Before Usagi could   
protest, Mamoru had gently set her aside and begun running like a bat out of   
hell towards his other half.  
  
*********  
  
"Nice one, Jupiter-chan! You lost him!" Venus was clearly ready to blow;   
her was face red, her fists were clenched, and her hair was whipping furiously   
about her..  
  
"*I* lost him?! Whose love-me chain magically dissolved, thereby shocking   
the crap out of me, and causing me to drop him?!" Jupiter had her fists   
clenched.  
  
"Calm down, you two!" Artemis moaned, rubbing his furry head with his   
paws. "Minna, we need to act quickly. Mercury, do you have a lock on him yet?"  
  
"Calm down yourself," Luna said from Ami's shoulder, batting him lightly.   
Artemis blushed slightly as Luna returned to helping Ami.  
  
"He seemed...frantic," Rei said, chewing her lip thoughtfully. "Like   
something urgent was pressing on him."  
  
"Found him!" Mercury declared triumphantly. Then, her grin faded. "Oh   
dear, I have a bad feeling about this..."  
  
"What, Mercury-chan?" Venus asked. "Is something wrong?"  
  
"The other Mamoru-san is with him."  
  
*********  
  
They both knew when the other approached. It made sense, after all,   
no matter how different they were, they were still, well, two sides of the   
same coin, and bound together for all eternity.  
  
"Konnichiwa, Mamoru," Tuxedo Kamen said to his alter ego.  
  
"Konnichiwa," the other replied emptily. He already knew he would   
not win this fight.  
  
Esmeraude, meanwhile, was watching the scene with Saffir from a high   
tree branch, gleefully passing a bucket of popcorn between the two of them.  
  
"You've hit gold, Esmeraude-chan," Saffir grinned. "How did you know   
you'd be able to invade Chiba Mamoru's subconscious like that?"  
  
"With the amount of Black Poison Crystal we pumped into him keeping him  
split? Easy. Besides, there was already antagonism between the two sides. The   
boy is rather self-destructive."  
  
"You can say that again," Saffir commented as a rose flew.  
  
"The boy is rather self-destructive."  
  
"Silence. I want to watch. You wouldn't by any chance have some Red   
Vines on you...?"  
  
"And Milk Duds, too."  
  
"Freak."  
  
They went back to watching the scene.  
  
Tuxedo Kamen let his first rose fly, but Mamoru dodged it easily. It was   
easy for him to predict the other's next move, since they had the exact same   
fighting style: the black belt in karate he held augmented it. So they were   
equally matched in skill.  
  
Still, as Tuxedo Kamen was already ready to meet Mamoru as he was trying   
to stand up, the advantage was clearly in Tuxedo Kamen's corner. In his senshi   
form, he was faster, stronger, and had the power of the Earth at his fingertips.  
  
Tuxedo Kamen grabbed for Mamoru's neck and Mamoru, unable to dodge fast   
enough, fell victim. Growling, Tuxedo Kamen held him slightly off the ground,   
glaring at him.  
  
"Stay away from her," Tuxedo Kamen whispered dangerously, "and I'll let   
you escape this alive. Refuse, and I break your neck right now."  
  
The look in Mamoru's eyes augmented the acidic, "You'll never touch her   
again," response he gave.  
  
But Tuxedo didn't break Mamoru's neck. Rather, he began to allow a little   
pressure to be exerted, slowly, torturously, cutting off the other's air supply.  
  
Mamoru coughed slightly, fear in his eyes.  
  
"You'll always be a coward," Tuxedo Kamen said caustically.  
  
"I know," he replied, eyes glazed with some unknown emotion.  
  
He was going to kill Mamoru. He really was, until the sudden sensation of   
being choked shocked him so badly he dropped the man.  
  
Mamoru fell to the ground like a limp rag doll, breathing heavily. When   
he looked up again, the fear was gone, replaced by hatred and a renewed   
determination.  
  
After that, Tuxedo Kamen's advantage went to hell. What he had lacked in   
strength and speed before, the 'weaker' Mamoru now made up in pure passion. He   
simply wanted this more. The match was at a stalemate. Esmeraude and Saffir   
had time to go back to Nemesis and refill their popcorn bucket.  
  
Both Mamoru and Tuxedo Kamen were tiring, but neither planned to give up   
until the other was dead.  
  
So the fight continued on, with Mamoru barely escaping death on several   
occasions and Tuxedo Kamen allowing frustration to affect his concentration.  
  
*********  
  
"Usagi-chan!"  
  
"Mercury-chan? Is that you?"  
  
"Yes, it's me. Listen, we need you meet us at--"  
  
"I know where to go."  
  
"You do?"  
  
"Of course."  
  
*********  
  
"Ready to give up yet, Mamoru?" Tuxedo Kamen hissed at the man who looked   
exactly like him.  
  
They had been locked in this battle for over an hour. Mamoru, for his   
part, had fought the good fight, but in the end, his civilian form just hadn't   
been enough for his senshi form. His other self was too powerful, and using   
that advantage well. From his spot on the ground, where he nursed his twisted   
ankle and several other injuries, Mamoru felt the flame of hope flicker and die   
within him.  
  
"You're giving up," Tuxedo Kamen murmured, surveying the man on the   
ground. "I can see it in your eyes."  
  
Those same eyes began to water, but Mamoru wiped at them fiercely before   
any could escape.  
  
"Coward," Tuxedo Kamen taunted, mouth twisted into a snarl. His own eyes   
followed Mamoru's very carefully, intimidating the weaker half. "I'm ashamed to   
acknowledge you were once a part of me."  
  
"I should say the same," Mamoru snapped back, a little of his former   
spirit returning to him to guide him through these crucial last moments.  
  
Tuxedo Kamen, who had his rose ready and waiting, froze in place.   
Lowering the rose, he asked, "What's that supposed to mean?"  
  
"It's because of YOU and your goddamned logical brain that I keep hurting   
Usako! You heartless..."  
  
He stopped for a moment, hatred for his other self--for his own self--  
washing through his system. The blame was not solely Tuxedo Kamen's, but he was   
a good target for Mamoru's repressed torrents of anger at the moment and the   
other self *did* react to this attack.  
  
Tuxedo Kamen scowled, but his eyes were not as sure as before. "I would   
have never hurt Usa if it hadn't been for the--"  
  
"Mamo-chan!"  
  
"Usa!"  
  
"Usako!"  
  
Her eyes widened in anguish as she quickly discerned what had happened   
here.  
  
"Esmeraude-chan ?"  
  
"Yes, Saffir-kun?"  
  
"What's the going rate she chooses Mamoru?"  
  
"Nah, she'll pick Tuxedo Kamen. Girls love guys in tuxedos. And the cape!   
The cape has serious sex appeal."  
  
"Is that why you're always drooling over Demando?"  
  
"You think you're funny, but you're not."  
  
"500 yen."  
  
"What?"  
  
"That's the starting rate. 500 yen."  
  
"Well, I bet a thousand."  
  
"Your loss."  
  
"Shut up, Saffir-kun."  
  
This was completely unnoticed by Usagi and the gaggle of Sailor Senshi   
affixed behind her, ready to defend their mistress from any threat. Both Tuxedo   
Kamen and Mamoru were still.  
  
Hope fluttered in Mamoru's chest again. He had almost forgotten why he   
was fighting this battle. Mamoru wept, hating himself for forgetting but   
relieved he had recovered himself.  
  
How beautiful she was, even in her grief...not that Mamoru wished to   
witness her sadness. He wanted to see her smiling, laughing and happy,   
something he hadn't seen in a long while. The light flared up and burned   
brightly within him. No matter what, he would not allow Tuxedo Kamen to   
hurt her again. For the first time, his mind made the connection between the   
situation and...the nightmare. He finally understood.  
  
And now he owed it to her to make it up to her now, retribution   
against himself for being a such a fool.  
  
Tears trickled down her cheeks as she surveyed the scene in ever growing   
horror.  
  
"Why?" she whispered hoarsely, voice cracking immeasurably. "Why did it   
come to this, Mamo-chan?"  
  
"Which one of us are you--?"  
  
"YOU'RE THE SAME PERSON!" Usagi screamed at the top of her lungs. The   
senshi recoiled, and even Esmeraude, she of the hideous laugh, was truly   
impressed. Then, calming down, she started again. "It doesn't matter who I'm   
talking to. You're BOTH my Mamo-chan! And I'm not going to stand here and   
watch you destroy yourself!"  
  
"Move back, Usa!" Tuxedo Kamen roared in fury. "I'm not going to let my   
weaker half put you in danger any longer!"  
  
"How sweet," Jupiter mocked him, sneering a little.   
  
Usagi looked towards the Mamoru lying on the ground, struggling to get   
up. Rushing to his side (and giving Tuxedo Kamen a new reason to hate his other   
self) she pleaded, "please, Mamo-chan, stop this at once. I won't choose   
between you two..."  
  
"You don't have to, Usako," he replied softly, burying his face in her   
hair. The senshi all sighed blissfully, and Saffir snaked an arm around   
Esmeraude, which warranted a bitch-slap.  
  
God, he loved her...Mamoru felt himself losing any knowledge of what he   
was supposed to be doing here as he reveled in holding her again...but now was   
not the time. Reluctantly willing himself away from his beloved, Mamoru   
garnered the last of his strength and stood up as best he could. "Because I'm   
not going to let my other self hurt you again!" He was seething, and the look   
in his eyes filled the senshi with a cold despair.  
  
"Jesus Christ in Heaven!" Saffir cried from his tree, lifting his arms to   
the sky. "Self-destructive much?!"  
  
"We've already established that...where are my Milk Duds?!"  
  
"No wonder Demando-sama isn't hopelessly in love with you."  
  
"Saffir-kun?"  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"Either leave my Milk Duds alone or become one."  
  
"Aren't we testy today?"  
  
"And you won't be anymore if you don't SHUT UP!"  
  
"Er...let's watch the show."  
  
"Mamo-chan!" Usagi tried to plead with him, but it was obvious from the   
start her protestations were to no avail. "If you do this," she screamed, "if   
you kill your other half, I'll kill myself! Just you watch!"  
  
The senshi were all in position, ready to hold back a rampaging Mamoru/   
Tuxedo Kamen if necessary. Usagi had turned several shades of white, and was   
still clutching Mamoru's hand, screaming her threat at the top of her lungs.   
Tuxedo Kamen could only watch, eyes strangely dead behind the mask that   
protected him from the world.  
  
"Tuxedo Kamen has one weakness," Mars whispered in grave, hushed tones to   
Venus.  
  
"What's that?" Venus asked in the same voice.  
  
Mars didn't reply.  
  
Mamoru, summing up his courage, knew it would be better this way. Without   
his cold, proud half, he could love and protect Usagi in the way she deserved to   
be. She would understand. He would *make* her understand.  
  
Venus understood, too, and said solemnly to Mars, "Mamoru-san has one   
strength."  
  
"What's that?" Mars asked in that same solemn whisper.  
  
He called up his rose, aimed, and threw.  
  
"NO!" Tuxedo Kamen was abruptly pushed out of the way by a flying rabbit,   
who miraculously managed to push him out of the way before the rose could harm   
him. The price for her courage, however, was that the rose was now stuck in her   
back.  
  
"Usagi-chan," Mars and Venus answered their own question.  
  
*********  
  
It was amazing how the same person could react to one situation in two so   
violently different ways. Well, technically the same person...  
  
The Apollonian Mamoru, as the senshi called him for sheer conveniences'   
sake, was calm and cool, outwardly seeming as if he didn't have a care in the   
world. He did, however, place all his attentions upon making sure Usagi would   
be all right. He assisted Mercury in removing the rose, performed a blood   
transfusion between Jupiter and Usagi, something which promptly had the brown-  
haired senshi groaning about why *she* always had to be the martyr who   
sacrificed the blood, he washed and bandaged the wound, and stayed by Usagi's   
side to make sure she was comfortable and well taken care of. He was a little   
neurotic about it, actually, and quick to admonish Mercury for any misstep that   
might cause the patient any pain.  
  
Always supportive, always the rock. At times like this, Mars realized,   
you could see how much Mamoru genuinely cared for Usagi, even if he would not   
necessarily say what was in his heart.  
  
The Dionysian Mamoru, on the other hand, couldn't even bear to go in the   
room. Venus and Mars watched to make sure he didn't do anything extreme, but he   
simply sat in a corner, staring blankly, never moving save a slight tremble in   
his limbs and the tears steadily rolling down his cheeks. Guilt and shame and   
self-hatred tore him into pieces all at once. Once or twice in his despair, he   
murmured something incoherent to himself, probably some sort of self-  
chastisement.  
  
He was oblivious to Venus and Mars's attempts to comfort him, acted as   
they were panes of glass and not living, breathing Sailors. Mars and Venus   
exchanged glances, a little uncertain of how to proceed. Venus, resolving to   
take action, decided to do something she'd wanted to do for a while.  
  
Slap Mamoru upside the head.  
  
This, thankfully, got his attention, effectively proving he hadn't lost it   
completely. But the look in his eyes was so terrible Mars and Venus had to look   
away, afraid of getting sucked into the unfathomable anguish swirling within.   
By the time they had recovered, he was no longer paying any attention to them.  
  
Mars fetched Mercury, who grumbled but agreed to examine the man in the   
corner. Sighing, she proclaimed, "You're forgetting, minna-chan, that this   
Mamoru-san reacts to his emotion rather than ration. What you're seeing is   
normal, because if recombined with his other self his reaction would be quite   
restrained."  
  
With that, Mercury took off again, to complete the blood transfusion she   
was performing between Usagi and Sailorjupiter.   
  
And with Mercury gone, reflecting over her words, Venus slapped Mamoru   
again.  
  
He looked up again and said softly, "I would appreciate it if you would   
leave me be," in a voice that was cracked and fragile and steely all at once.  
  
"Are you upset because Usagi-chan got hurt?" Venus asked, twirling a   
lock of hair around her finger.  
  
"Of course," he murmured hoarsely, eyes trailing to the floor.  
  
"Liar."  
  
They both knew it was true, and Mamoru did not try to protest.  
  
"My dream came true," he whispered brokenly.  
  
"Your dream--?" Her eyes widened as she realized what he meant. Looking   
into Mars's eyes, Venus could see comprehension dawn there, too.  
  
Then...silence. Venus thought for a minute before daring to venture, "Do   
you really believe that?"  
  
"If it hadn't been for me, she wouldn't have been hurt today." That   
look--that terrible despair--grew more desperate.  
  
Mars motioned her to come over, and Venus obliged. The fiery priestess   
whispered in Venus's ear, "I think I understand why the dream was so   
persistent."  
  
"So do I," Venus said. "Now, to do something about it..."  
  
"Now Venus-chan, don't do anything you'll regret..."  
  
"Trust me, I won't regret *this*."  
  
Her hand came across his face. Hard. Very hard.  
  
Mamoru cried aloud and rubbed the side of his already-tender face, but   
said nothing.  
  
"Don't you get it?!" Venus snapped, voice laced with acid. "Shape up,   
Mamoru-san! If you don't want to see her get hurt, don't cause her any! Those   
dreams were just an excuse for you to avoid the prospect of losing her by   
keeping a safe distance away for a 'noble' cause! You WANTED to believe those   
dreams told the truth, Mamoru-san, and that's all there is to it."  
  
"That was harsh, Venus-chan," Mars said softly.  
  
"That's not..." he began weakly, and the look in his eyes convinced Venus.  
  
Stopping, she thought about her next statement. Then...she experienced   
the miracle of spontaneous comprehension.   
  
"You were never afraid *she* would hurt you," Venus said suddenly, eyes wide   
as saucers, head snapping up. "You were afraid that *you* would hurt her."  
  
He looked up at her in fear. As painful as her words before had been,   
the ugly truth, for anyone to see and hear, was infinitely worse. Tears fell   
down his cheeks and he nodded. Mars gasped, as shocked as Mamoru was.  
  
"You were afraid," Venus continued, garnering strength, "that you would   
somehow hurt her--taint her, perhaps?--and that by staying away she would be   
able to forget you and find someone whose love wouldn't cause her pain."  
  
"Ever heard the story of Oedipus?" Mars interrupted suddenly.  
  
Mamoru looked up at her suspiciously. "Oedipus's parents," Mars began   
uncertainly, "were told by an oracle that when their son grew up, he would kill   
his father and marry his mother. So, they sent him away, and ordered a shepherd   
to let him die on a mountain."  
  
"What does this have to do with...?" Venus began confusedly, but Mars   
didn't heed her question.  
  
"The shepherd gave him to the childless King and Queen of Corinth, where   
he grew up, unaware of his real family. One day, he found out in a tavern that   
he was adopted. So he consulted Apollo's oracle to ask if it was true--and   
heard the prophecy for himself. So, he decided to cheat destiny by leaving the   
city. But along the way the local guard attacked him. Among the soldiers was   
the King of the country. Oedipus killed him. Continuing on, he met a sphinx,   
who was blockading the state, and managed to defeat it. In gratitude, the   
recently widowed Queen married him, and they were happy for many years. That is,   
until Apollo's Oracle ordered Oedipus to avenge his father's death to ward off a   
plague in the lands."  
  
"What happened?" Venus asked quietly. Mamoru already knew what came next.  
  
"It turns out the King he had killed *was* his father. And the queen was   
his mother. You see, by trying to run away from the truth, Oedipus and his   
parents actually *caused* the prophecy to become reality." Mars looked straight   
at Mamoru. "By trying to stay away from Usagi-chan, you bring the dream to life."  
  
The two girls left him to his own devices, but still kept a sharp eye on   
him. Instead of despairing, he grew pensive, considering the weight of Venus   
and Mars's words. It seemed he was going to take this lesson to heart, which   
relieved both senshi immeasurably.  
  
When Usagi was finally taken care of, Mercury and a somewhat woozy Jupiter   
walked out of Rei's bedroom, dragging the Apollonian Mamoru with them. Mars   
immediately jumped up, planning to raise Hell, but Venus stopped her.  
  
"Do you see what your actions caused today?" Mercury asked in a voice that   
was hoarse from crying but almost dangerously strong in quality. Both Mamorus   
turned to stare at her. "Usagi-chan could have died , and it would have been   
your fault."  
  
The two looked to the ground in disgrace, and the senshi couldn't help but   
notice how well-synchronized the action was--like one of them was looking into a   
mirror.  
  
But Mercury wasn't planning to yell. "If you want to be Usagi-chan's   
protector, Mamoru-san--whichever one!--you can't become her pain. Keep that in   
mind. Now, when she wakes up, if both of you are willing, she can use the   
ginzuishou to reunite you two. But both of you must be *willing* to become one   
again."  
  
"Do you know, Mamoru-san," Mars said suddenly, "that had you killed Tuxedo   
Kamen today, you would have also died?"  
  
Both Mamorus recoiled in shock. "That's...I..."  
  
"But that can't...is that why she..."  
  
"No, she didn't know. We didn't get the chance to tell her. But...   
remember that."  
  
"Mamo-chan?"  
  
That was from Rei's bedroom. "She's awake," Mercury said softly.  
  
"Wait here," Jupiter ordered the two Mamorus. She went to fetch Usagi.  
  
*********  
  
"I hope you're up for this," Venus said sharply to the two Mamorus   
standing before her. "Because if not, we'll make you."  
  
"And how!" Jupiter agreed merrily, despite the fact she had to sit down   
and will the room to stop spinning afterwards.  
  
"Actually," Mercury said slowly, looking up from the system, "it looks   
like this will take relatively little energy." She looked up from her computer   
at the two Mamorus and smiled--proud yes, but a little sad too. "She'll be   
tired afterwards, but...we can't do much about that."  
  
"Minna-chan? Are they ready?" Usagi stepped out, carrying the ginzuishou   
gingerly in her hands. She was pale from the blood loss and looked rather   
uncertain.  
  
"We're ready," one of the Mamorus said, no one but Usagi knowing which   
one.  
  
"Wait!" Rei cried suddenly.  
  
Everyone stared at her. "Usagi," Mars said sweetly, "have you really   
thought about the advantages of having an extra Mamoru-san?"  
  
The twin Mamorus turned white.  
  
"I can't believe this is not coming from Venus," Jupiter muttered under   
her breath.  
  
Venus scowled but conceded Mars's argument. "She does have a point..."   
the Senshi of Love mused thoughtfully, absentmindedly chewing on a piece of   
hair.  
  
"I mean, think about it!" Mars continued, oblivious to the storm clouds   
darkening over the odango's face and the fact both Mamorus were bright red, "one   
goes to class, one gets to stay with you 24/7! Someone is always free to take   
you out in the evenings! You can even share with your friends!"  
  
"So THAT'S what this is about," Luna, who had before been a silent   
bystander, groaned. Usagi, for her part, was not exactly happy with   
the...implications of the statement.  
  
"And when you wear one out, you can use the other!"  
  
"Waaay too much information," Venus groaned.  
  
"That's okay, Rei-chan," Usagi said quietly. "I think one Mamo-chan is   
enough." Mars sighed, but patted herself on the back for giving it a try.  
  
Usagi closed her eyes and held out the crystal, calling forth her power.   
The crystal floated daintily in her palms, coming to life as light began to   
stream from it, flooding the room with holy energy. Both Mamorus were   
entranced, staring the beautiful sight she made, bathed in the warmth and   
radiance of the ginzuishou.  
  
Before they knew it, however, the light show was over. "Did it work?"   
Mamoru asked, sounding a little uncertain.  
  
"See for yourself," Luna grinned.  
  
"Rats," Mars muttered.  
  
Mamoru looked around to find that, sure enough, there was no other Mamoru   
in sight. He was whole again...or perhaps that wasn't as good a thing as he had   
originally thought it would be. In a rush, both sets of memories from the past   
two days hit him over the head like a sledgehammer. He rubbed his temples as if   
it could release him from the pain--be it physical or...something else.  
  
He looked up at the senshi and smiled, to indicate that everything was all   
right. There was something in his eyes that would never be absent from them   
again, a sadness that had always existed but had been buried below the surface   
before. It was something that, no matter he or Usagi tried, could not be   
shaken; it remained even as he ascended to the position as King of Earth. His   
smile was sad, clearly indicating mental and physical exhaustion. Usagi gave   
him an equally sad yet strangely beautiful smile of her own, tears glimmering   
in her huge azure eyes.  
  
"I'm glad you're back in one piece, Mamo-chan," she said quietly. The   
senshi never knew how close her voice was to breaking. "I'd better go home and   
rest now..."  
  
"Usako, wait," Mamoru pleaded softly, cheeks tinged with the slightest   
pink. Usagi realized what he was remembering...  
  
"We'll talk later," Usagi replied, voice dulcet and melancholy. "Thank   
you for everything, minna-chan."  
  
"Usako!"  
  
"Let her go, Mamoru-san," Mars said quietly, grabbing his arm. "She needs   
some time to think."  
  
"About what?" he ground out harshly, shaking Mars's grip away.  
  
"Do you think the last two days were easy for her?" she demanded. Mamoru   
ashamedly allowed himself to be lead away.  
  
*********  
  
"You know, that was my best plan." Esmeraude was pulling out her hair   
again. An almost frightening calm surrounded her.  
  
"Too bad," Saffir said, munching on the last of the popcorn. "I was   
surprised she went for Tuxedo Kamen at the end. I thought girls liked   
sensitivity and all that."  
  
"Not true. It's all just a complicated web of lies to confuse men so   
terribly they have no choice but to bend to our every little whim and vagary."  
  
"Is that actually true?"  
  
"Now you *know* I can't tell you that," Esmeraude chastised   
condescendingly. She dropped the remaining clumps of silky spring-green hair in   
her hands and let them flutter to the ground like little tufts of plastic Easter   
grass. "What happened to that bench over there?"  
  
Saffir shrugged. "Don't know, don't care."  
  
"Oh, who gives a damn? I got some enjoyment out of watching that last   
battle. Talk about Must-See TV! Forget 'Buffy the Vampire Slayer...'"  
  
"You *watch* that?!"  
  
"Rubeus got me started on it. By the way, you owe me a thousand yen."  
  
Saffir raised one sardonic eyebrow. "Still planning to collect your cash?"  
  
"Why not?" Esmeraude shrugged. "My perfect plan failed at the very last   
moment, Demando probably hates me, I'm addicted to teen dramas, and the Wiseman has   
bloodlust. I might as well make some money off the deal."  
  
"Depressingly logical," Saffir mused thoughtfully.  
  
"Want to come to my pity party?"  
  
"Gladly!"  
  
"Whoa, down boy..."  
  
*********  
  
*Ding-dong!*  
  
The doorbell interrupted her train of thought. Skittering down to the   
door, Usagi already knew who would be behind it.  
  
It was hard, to only now have time to come to terms with her relationship   
with Mamoru. She'd left the shrine quickly today because she feared she would   
burst: yell at Mamoru for dumping her for a dream, wondered if he had really   
ever cared for her in the first place. If Chiba Mamoru was really Prince   
Endymion, the person she had fallen in love with 1,000 years ago, and not just a   
stranger the ginzuishou had tied to her.  
  
Until this weekend, she had never even comprehended the sheer complexity   
and danger of his innermost thoughts and feelings--could she cope now, knowing   
these things existed but were locked away so tightly they would never be kissed   
by the light of day? Someone so closed within himself she may never be able to   
get through?  
  
She had her answer now.  
  
Usagi could tell what he was thinking for once. Mamoru was clearly   
nervous, running an anxious hand through his hair as she opened the door. His   
entire body was tense and stiff, and his eyes were...strange, flickering with   
conflicting feelings. She saw him trying very hard to hide the slight limp,   
evidence of the literal battle with himself earlier that day. But Usagi wasn't   
really certain what emotion--or emotions--passed through him now.  
  
"Come in," she said quietly, this time giving him a real smile. She took   
his hand and pulled him inside.  
  
He relaxed a little, and soon enough he ended up on her couch, looking down   
at his hands. Usagi could sense how edgy he was.  
  
He shouldn't have worried. Usagi didn't know a lot about Mamoru, only the   
most superficial things about his interests and virtually nothing about his life   
before he'd met her. It was as if they were strangers. But Usagi knew now that   
you could know a person without knowing these minor details...  
  
"Did you want to talk about something, Mamo-chan?"  
  
"Why did you save me?" he blurted out, surprising even himself with his   
boldness.  
  
Usagi wasn't expecting that. Considering the question very carefully, she   
said, "Because I wanted to."  
  
"That's not what I'm asking and you know it."  
  
She blinked, evincing surprise. "I love you," she said, cocking her head   
in confusion. "Why wouldn't I save you? Wouldn't you do the same for me?"  
  
"Of course I would!" Mamoru cried, standing up. "You...you're my..." He   
couldn't say it, but he didn't really have to. She could see what he was trying   
to say, what was reflected in his cobalt eyes.   
  
She sighed, a little wistful. "I love you," she repeated, wishing he   
would believe her.  
  
Mamoru apparently wasn't going to accept that as an answer. "Maybe I   
could have understood if it had been another me..." Mamoru turned away, unable   
to continue, voice raw with emotion. He hadn't expected to get so worked up   
just by mentioning it.  
  
He didn't quite understand that she could care enough about him to save   
his life by risking her own. Sighing again, she took his hand in hers and shook   
her head back and forth, saying, "You just don't get it, do you?"  
  
"Get what?" he asked, hoarsely, looking down at their hands.  
  
"That I love *you*! All of you, just as you love me! No matter how   
defective!"  
  
"But--"  
  
"No buts, Mamo-chan. I've been doing a lot of thinking. Earlier I was on   
the phone with Mako-chan."  
  
"And?" He perceived this to be crucial.  
  
"Mako-chan said if she had a boyfriend who dumped her over a mere dream,   
she would know they were really never meant to be. I mean, after all, it was   
only a dream, Mamo-chan. According to her, if you'd really respected me, if you   
really cared, you would have discussed your fears with me."  
  
His head dropped. He was just sitting there, waiting numbly for the final   
blow. "And what did you say?" he asked, voice barely audible.  
  
"I told her she was wrong."  
  
He looked up at her, disbelief written all over his face.   
  
"Because you didn't break up with me because of a dream, Mamo-chan. Maybe   
you don't say it aloud, but I know you love me. And what I feel for you...it's   
too intense to be unrequited and too absolute to be something left over from a   
thousand years ago." She sat down next to him and buried herself in his arms.   
"When you told me you didn't want me anymore, some part of me never stopped   
believing you'd come around. You know as well as I do, even if you don't admit   
it, why you broke up with me."  
  
"And you forgive me?"   
  
The skepticism in eyes was mixed with hope and a lot of fear. Usagi   
smiled and smoothed the hair he'd mussed in his agitation. "There's nothing to   
forgive."  
  
"No!" he moaned softly. "The dream came true! You can't possibly just   
let that go!"  
  
"Then I *do* forgive you, if that's what you want to hear," she said   
forcefully. "Look at me, Mamo-chan! Do your really think, after all this, I   
could be kidding? I can't live without you, Mamo-chan. Each day you're not   
with me is like a slow, painful death. Please, believe me when I say I love   
you. Look in my eyes."  
  
He did, and what he saw there warmed his heart immeasurably. Relief   
washed over him--she saw that much--and he bent down to kiss her frenetically,   
as if he was drowning and she was his only source of air. Trailing down to her   
neck, he murmured something occasionally, the sincerity in his voice making her   
melt. This time, he was sure he was talking to the right person.  
  
Usagi responded, overjoyed to be back in the arms of her beloved--*all* of   
her beloved--after weeks of sleepless nights and wallowing in sorrow. She   
redirected him to her lips and kissed him with a fierce passion, running her   
fingers through his soft black hair. He pulled her closer than she thought   
possible, and for a long while they were lost in the ecstasy of their reunion.  
  
Until she spied the book sticking out of his bag. An old, tattered,   
well-read book. Different edition, appeared to be entirely in English this time,   
but she managed to recognize the author's name amidst their lovemaking.  
  
Sylvia Plath.  
  
A million questions ran through her brain. And she knew, with a sureness   
she was unable to understand, that if she didn't get her answer tonight she   
would never get it. Reluctantly, Usagi gently broke away from Mamoru and began,   
"Mamo-chan, why did you--"  
  
He cut her off with another kiss.  
  
There was no more talking that night.  
  
Tsukino Usagi would later call that her greatest regret.  
  
*********  
  
*Sylvia Plath was a poet and the author of "The Bell Jar." She killed   
herself in February of 1963.  
  
219K...groan...each time I went back to edit it just kept getting longer and   
longer and longer...  
  
Email, baby! tennyo@home.com...am I being redundant?  



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